


Gemstone Blues

by Half_PintGladiator



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, F/F, Marijuana, Older Characters, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2019-10-20 18:57:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 40,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17627798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Half_PintGladiator/pseuds/Half_PintGladiator
Summary: Lapis Lazuli was struggling to put her life back together again. She had lost her band, Homeworld, her best friend, her home. All because of her abusive ex, Jasper. A friend offers her a new start but it comes with a cost-- rooming with her former bandmate and friend, Peridot.





	1. Setting the Tempo

**Author's Note:**

> Not my most serious fic. Not happy with the intro chapter, but that will be rewritten after I hammer out the next few chapters. I'm still working out the kinks in the setting.
> 
> But there will be original lyrics! (Eventually)

Lapis Lazuli had never expected her life to fall apart the second time. She never expected to stand in front of her friend’s home tear-stained, bruised, and scared. 

Jasper’s pleads still echoed in her brain as she stood hollow-eyed in Steven’s doorway. 

_“I can change, Lapis! Everyone leaves me… You’re nothing without me!”_

The bruises didn’t really hurt, not in comparison to her cracked ribs. She clung to her battered bass, swaying as Steven cleared the couch for her. Her eyes nervously flicked to each shadow. Even the small sounds of him shuffling his belongings made her flinch. 

“Sorry, Lapis. Amethyst decided to redecorate… I’ll show you your new place tomorrow.”

He had such kind eyes. It was hard to believe he was a sophomore in college; he moved with the care of someone used to taken care of broken souls. He never asked questions when she showed up in the middle of the night; he was always the first to care for her. On other nights, she would have fought to the death for him. 

Steven took her hand. Her legs buckled underneath her. Her head lolled to the side even as he tucked her in soft blankets. His cat, Lion, was in her lap almost immediately. His loud purrs rumbled in the quiet of his house. Lapis buried her fingers in thick fur. 

Lapis appreciated the fact that they could speak volumes by not saying a single word. After a while, he pulled out his ukulele. His soft tune eased her into a hazy sleep. Lion stayed by her side all night. 

\--

“My dad says the barn has been in our family forever. It’s uh, a little rundown, but we’ve been working on it. No one really comes out here since it’s a ways from town, but it’s better than Jersey.”

The Dondai rumbled up a bumpy hill, leaving a trail of dust behind them. Lapis had been trying her best to pay attention, but it was a long trek out of Beach City. She zoned out, idly rubbing at her sore ribs. 

The barn was not in fact a barn. Though it was painted a bright and cheery shade of red like one. Its front doors were wide-- wide enough for an airplane. And they stood wide open. 

Her blood turned to ice in her veins as paranoia sunk in. Steven continued talking about how his mom’s friend “Bismuth” had fixed up the place. She couldn’t hear him over her pulse. Her fingers dug into the leather seat. Her knuckles had paled. The Dondai’s motor cut out. Cooling metal ticked.  
“Hey, it’s okay.”

Someone rushed out from inside the “barn”. Steven threw open the car door. He bolted to the other person, grinning from ear to ear. Taking shallow breaths, Lapis unbuckled her seatbelt. She forced herself to breathe as she eased the door handle open. She left the car door open as she emerged. 

Lapis almost immediately threw herself back in the car when she got a better look at the woman.

“Steven! Hey, Laz--” The speaker stopped mid-sentence, blinking owlishly at her. 

“Laz, what are you doing here?”

She had wild blonde hair and a round face. Her eyes were a brilliant shade of green and were wide with shock.

Anger chased away Lapis’ anxiety. She took a sudden step forward, lips drawn tightly. Steven frantically waved his hands, mumbling ‘no, no nononononononono’. 

“And what are you doing here?” There was acid in her tone as she towered over the other girl. 

Admittedly, she felt back for making Steven flinch, but she couldn’t get control of herself. Not when Peridot was standing in front of her. Steven between them, his face pinched in fear. 

“Whoa, whoa, it’s big enough for you both.”

“I thought I’d be here alone.”

Lapis glared at Peridot, her nose twisted. Peridot was the first person to walk out on her when things started to go bad with Jasper. She just up and packed up her guitar. She never said good-bye. 

Lapis narrowed her glare further, feeling the strain in her temples. For some reason Peridot kept peering over her shoulder. She was looking for something and it was starting to grate on her nerves. 

“Maybe, maybe, I’ll just leave…” Her raspy little voice trailed off.

Lips twisted, Lapis was ready to comment on how Peridot bailed any time things got hard when she could hear bone-rattling bass and the putt putt of a bad muffler speeding up the hill toward them. Panic once more took control. 

Peridot was bouncing from foot-to-foot, eyes wide in what could only be fear. Neither were given time to think when Steven started shoving them into the barn. 

“Go, hide. I’ll distract them.”

Peridot hadn’t taken off right away. She hesitated. A small hand seized her wrist, tugging her toward a spot behind a massive subwoofer. Peridot crouched down beside her, using an old engine block as her cover.

The music stopped. Tires squealed. The Rubies had arrived. Jasper’s little flunkies, her fan club. Lapis shut her eyes. Her teeth rattled. 

Peridot was mumbling ‘hate them, hate them, hate them’ under her breath. Curiosity almost overwhelmed Lapis’ fear. Almost. She chewed her lower lip, willing her heart to stop pounding. They couldn’t hear Steven or the Rubies from their hiding spot. Both sat in tense silence.

When Lapis opened her eyes, she found that Peridot had gone white as a ghost. She was trembling worse than Lapis herself. As angry as she was, Lapis held out her hand. Her hand was seized in a surprisingly tight grip. They held their breaths. 

An eternity passed. Then there was laughter followed by the slamming of car doors and the roar of an engine. 

They waited. The engine soon became a faint hum in the distance. Lapis dropped Peridot’s hand, scoffing in disgust. 

“Hey, thanks.” It was a choked little whisper. 

Steven poked his head around the corner, smiling at them. 

“They won’t be back here. They think I wanted my baseball stuff.” 

Lapis smoothed her skirt as she rose. Her nose wrinkled. Peridot was still crouched beside her, the look of pure horror still in place.

“I guess I’m stuck, huh?”

“I’m sorry… But, hey, the Ruby gang is dumb and maybe they’ll forget.”

As she pulled in a deep breath, Lapis found herself regretting not running from Delmarva. She shook her head, still feeling the ache deep in her bones. Her gaze swept from Steven back to Peridot. Yeah, the Rubies were stupid, but they were also Jasper’s eyes and ears. Restraining orders only did so much. And she was broke. She didn’t really have much of a choice.   
“I’ll stay, but I won’t like it.”

“Me either.” Perdiot piped as she rose from her little huddle. She seemed to have bounced back, but there was still a noticeable edge to her. 

“Hey, it probably won’t be all that long. Garnet’s working on getting J-- her, busted. She’ll do something dumb and get caught.” 

He was too nice. Too good. Occasionally she found herself hating him for his pure optimism. 

She huffed a sigh, taking care to avoid looking at Peridot.

“Where’s my room?”


	2. Fresh Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had planned on having this up Thursday. My plans were derailed quite quickly. However, I should have chapters 3 and 4 typed up and ready to go by next week. 
> 
> I'm slowly getting a feel for the flow and the plot of the story. So bear with me.

Lapis awoke to the sound of loud laughter. An earthy aroma hung in the air. She blinked slowly, her side throbbing in agony. Inching herself off of the air mattress made her sides ache even more. Black and white spots danced in her vision for a moment. She focused on the blank wall, counting until her vision cleared. 

Her stomach growled. She hoped that Peridot hadn’t gotten into the small bag of food Steven had given her. She had nothing but a small suitcase, her bass, and the ancient air mattress that she had been loaned. 

The cold concrete floor made her wince. She sucked in a harsh breath as she slipped out of her bedroom and onto the landing. She placed each step carefully as she approached the stairway. 

“So, P, I heard you had a new roomie. How do you feel about losing the bachelorette pad?”

She froze midstep, pressing herself closer to the wall. The chill worked its way into her bones. 

“I don’t mind.”

“Really? But now you can’t be all crazy!”

Loud laughter echoed in the stairwell. Lapis was thankful that the stairs were pretty well hidden by a wall. 

“Since when do I do crazy?”

Lapis took two steps quickly before a loud snort made her flinch. 

“Yeah, well, off-stage you’re lame.”

“Says my best friend.”

“Yeah, well, _bestie_ , pass the pipe. It’s puff puff pass, not smoke the whole bowl on your best friend.” 

Another loud snort. Lapis risked a few more stairs. Seven left. 

“So how goes being Vidalia’s nude model?”

“Shut up, P!” 

“Hah! You’re blushing!”

“Cause V’s a MILF.”

“Gross.”

Lapis crept down a few more stairs. If she craned her neck, she could just make out the open living room. She couldn’t see Peridot or her guest. Her heart raced; the second voice was familiar. Raspy, but not deep. Definitely not Jasper or Steven.

“So, is your roomie hot?”

A loud choking noise echoed through the room. Lapis used the noise as cover as she made her way down the last of the stairs. She whipped around the corner to find a girl slapping Peridot on the back. 

The girl was deeply tanned, her hair bleach bottle white. Short, curvy. The name jumped into Lapis’ mind; Amethyst. Peridot wheezed for air. 

“Ass--” 

Lapis watched her expression change in mute fascination. Peridot’s cheeks were scarlet. Her choking stopped. They stared at each other, life draining from the room. 

“Hey, Laz.”

Her nails dug crescents in her palm. Skin broke under the sharp edge of her nail. Amethyst paled. 

“Hey, hey, don’t worry-- I don’t talk to _her_. We haven’t talked since she started… you know.”

The family resemblance didn’t exist between Jasper and Amethyst. Lapis was certain they weren’t full siblings. 

Lapis took a step forward, jaw clenching and unclenching. Amethyst held up her hands, eyes wide. Peridot scrambled between them. There was wiry strength beneath her scrawny arms as she pushed back. 

“Easy, Laz. it’s okay. If anyone hates her as much as you do, it’s Amethyst.” 

It took a few forced deep breaths for her to regain her cool. Amethyst regained her composure much faster. They didn’t meet each other’s eyes. 

“I’m sorry.” Lapis spoke through gritted teeth.

“Hey, don’t worry. I got your back-- but I should be goin’. I picked up over at the Big D today.” 

Lapis twitched her lips into a smile she knew was fake. She could feel the tension even as Amethyst slipped out the door. Peridot still kept her braced, small hands resting on her shoulders. They waited. 

“You okay, Laz?”

Lapis fought back the sudden urge to cry. Everything hurt. She didn’t used to be so aggressive, so ready to flee or fight. She felt drained. Gentle hands steadied her. 

Peridot lead her to the couch, tapping her on the shoulder until she sat. Almost immediately she held out her pipe.

“I got other stuff too if you think it’ll help. Steven should be here after work to bring you your pills.”

Lapis stared blankly at the pipe. Her body sagged. The old couch groaned under her as she shifted. She chewed her lower lip. 

“Why are you being so nice?”

Peridot looked up from the pile of paper littering the coffee table. Her gaze shot back to the mess she had made when Lapis spoke. Ashes covered her staff paper and blotted out a few musical notes. 

Lapis watched her eyes sweep back and forth. Color rose back to her freckled cheeks. Without her hair spiked and the heavy makeup, she looked like a completely different person. 

“‘Cause we’ve all been there. You, Amethyst, me. It’ll be okay.”

Lapis let her gaze rise to meet bright green eyes. She looked away only to catch sight of a thin line that ran down Peridot’s wrist. In the bright halogen lights, the line was shiny and the width of a pipe cleaner. It was pink and puckered. Her eyes shot back up to Peridot’s face.

Peridot just smiled.

Lapis snatched a lighter off the table and lit up. It was easier than speaking. 

“Well, I got some programming crap to do for Pearl. If you need me, I’ll be in my room. Wi-Fi password is on the bulletin board in the kitchen. There’s pizza in the fridge and coffee in the pot.”

Lapis released a breath, a cloud of smoke spilling from her lips. She nodded absently as Peridot walked away.

_“If I catch you with her again, I’ll break her scrawny neck, Lapis. And worse to you.”_

Lapis took a deeper pull, holding the smoke longer. A tear rolled down her cheek. 

\--

The warehouse they practiced in smelled of fish and seaweed. Lapis always left the metal rolling doors open in hopes that the fresh air would counteract the stench of Yellowtail’s old packing plant, but it really did nothing. 

She shuffled her bare feet over the gym mats Jasper had laid down, humming tunelessly to herself. Jasper was late. 

She rechecked the drum kit, making sure the drums were set to Jasper’s liking. She checked her amp, her pedal, her bass. Eventually, she gave up and flopped to the ground, using her amp as a backrest. Not only was their drummer late, but their new guitarist too. She huffed a sigh. 

“Hello?”

Lapis scrambled to her feet, toes tangling in her amp cord. She stumbled, only to be caught by a short blonde. They stared at each other, both blushing furiously. Lapis immediately backed away, taking care to step over the cords. 

“Uh…”

“This is where Homeworld meets, right? I, uh, got lost.”

“Oh, yeah. You must be Peridot, right?”

“Yeah, that’s me!”

“I’m Lapis.”

Peridot had her hand extended to shake. Lapis blinked a few times as she studied the other girl. Her gauges were obviously fresh. Her hair was too carefully styled, her clothes almost methodically weathered. Young and trying to be edgy. She hoped that Jasper had picked the right guitarist. 

“What’s with the fish smell?”

“Yellowtail used to run his business here. I think he moved it to a bigger city. How long have you been playing?”

“Since high school.” Peridot unhooked the strap to her gig case, carefully setting down her gear. 

“Oh, so last year?”

Peridot’s nose wrinkled. Her lips pursed into a not so punk pout. 

“Very funny. I’m twenty.”

“Oh. Sorry, that was a little rude.”

“Hey, where’s Jasper? She’s the one that asked me to join.”

Lapis rolled her eyes before dramatically gesturing to the drum kit.

“Late. She does that a lot.”

“Gr-eat.”

“Hey, maybe we can play a song together? Just to warm up. If Jasper doesn’t show in twenty, we’ll just bail.”

Peridot had crouched over her case. She was a little too methodical with her gear. The guitar was far too shiny and new. But then again, everyone had to start somewhere. Not that Homeworld had much of a reputation. 

“Anything you want to play?”

“How do you feel about Mr. Universe?”

Lapis felt herself grin when she caught the look on Peridot’s face. Her nose and brow wrinkled. She wore a look that simply screamed ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’. 

“Really?”

“You’ve got to be loose if you’re going to write music and play in front of a crowd.”

She had paled. Her bright eyes had gone wide.

“Oh my stars…” She mumbled.

As much as she tried, Lapis snorted. Laughter bubbled up from her. She clutched her ribs, doubling over as peals of laughter escaped her.

“Oh my god. I can’t believe you said that.”

“Wow, thanks.” 

Lapis couldn’t stop herself from laughing. She expected Peridot to storm off or call her an asshole. Instead, she joined in too. 

“You snorted! How is that so punk?”

“The hell are you two giggling over?” 

The giggles came to a halt. Lapis stiffened as Jasper crossed the warehouse to them. Jasper was a big woman, tall and buff. She walked in a way that screamed predator tracking her prey. 

“Sorry, Jasper, Peridot told me a hilarious joke.”

Lapis heard Peridot swallow nervously as Jasper looked her over. 

“Joke time’s over. Give Peridot the music notes. We have a gig next week.”

Jasper pushed past them both. She circled her drums, inspecting each element. She adjusted the sit of one of the cymbals. 

Momentarily chided, Lapis dug through her gig bag until she found a binder jammed with paper. She pulled out a stack of staff paper and notes bound with a paperclip and pressed it into Peridot’s hands.

“We have the lyrics on a document. We still haven’t switched to using a computer for our notes… This is our setlist. Uh, new music has to be approved by Jasper first. We get together on Fridays to write songs.”

Jasper hammered the bass petal, drowning out their conversation. Lapis frowned as she met Peridot’s eyes. 

At that point, they thought it was just because Jasper dreamt of being famous. That she wanted them to make it out of Beach City. But two years as a band would change everything. 

\--

_Trapped in this place_  
Scrapin’ the bottom  
Watching my life drift by  
I wanna be free 

_Last one outta Beach City_


	3. Dead weight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely sure how this fic ended up becoming so dark in so few chapters. Unfortunately, it's gonna get darker from here. But eventually there will be some good feels. It won't all be angst.

Lapis jerked awake, mind in a fog. She rolled off of the threadbare couch, barely missing the coffee table. Solid knocking rattled the metal panel door. She rubbed her eyes, trying to piece together the events of the previous night. At most, she was aware that she was safe.

She padded barefoot to a small door just to the right of the rolling panel. Her nose pressed against the little window in the door as she tried to get a view of the person who made the ruckus. There was a broad-shouldered woman waiting outside the door. Not bulky enough for Japser, too tall for a member of the Ruby gang, and too buff for Garnet. She sucked in a harsh breath before throwing the door open.

The woman didn’t flinch, but her eyes grew wide. Up close, the woman had a broad, friendly face and rainbow dreadlocks. Her build screamed less gym rat and more construction worker or laborer. She had a pleasant smile. Lapis liked her immediately. 

“Oh, hey, didn’t know Peri had a guest. She up yet?”

Lapis’ gaze flicked to the door and back to the woman. She caught a questioning look and then glanced down at her clothing. Crop top and a pair of boxers she didn’t recognize. Well, that sucked. 

“Oh, shit. Can’t believe I forgot-- I’m Bismuth. Well, the family name’s Bismuth--” She shook her head, smile still in place. 

“But anyway, I’m her boss. Let me guess, she’s not up yet.” 

“Uh, no. I-- I’m Lapis. Lapis Lazuli.” 

“Good to meet you, Lapis, now, if you’ll give me a moment, I need to get the half-pint. ‘Cause today is gonna be a busy one.” 

Lapis didn’t hesitate. She stepped aside, making way for Bismuth to squeeze through the doorway. Her shoulders nearly touched both sides of the door frame. 

As Bismuth passed, Lapis stole one last glance at the dirt path leading to her new home. All she could see was green fields and a shiny pick-up truck with a logo that was too hard to make out in the bright sunlight. 

A loud squeal broke her moment of peace. 

“No! No! Ahhhhh, crappppp!” 

“Quit setting your alarm to PM!” 

Lapis turned back from the door when she spotted Peridot running full speed down the stairs. She caught a hint of pale skin as Peridot tugged a t-shirt over her head, Bismuth trailing behind toting her work boots and a small tool bag. She tried not to laugh, she really did. It came in bright peals. She laughed so hard, she thought she was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. 

Peridot missed the last step entirely and toppled forward. Bismuth casually shouldered her tool bag and yanked her out of the air without missing a step. 

Lapis’ sides ached. Tears rolled down her cheeks. Peridot’s face pinched up, her cheeks flaming red. 

“Wow, thanks, Laz.” Sarcasm dripped from her tone. 

“S-sorry. Hehehe.” 

Lapis had to bite her lip to keep herself from smiling. It was especially hard when Bismuth set Peridot down as though she had only been carrying a bag of groceries. 

“Uh, yeah. This is Bismuth… I. I’m going to be gone almost all day. On the fridge is a list of all the important numbers-- including mine. If you need anything, call me or Steven. I’ll be home really late. Are you gonna be okay?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Do you need anything from the store?”

“No.” 

“Okay.” 

“Okay.” Lapis agreed.

They regarded each other solemnly as though they had made some important vow. At least until Lapis caught Peridot’s gaze straying. Her cheeks were starting to flush again. Peridot looked away as though she could feel Lapis staring back at her. Bismuth seemed utterly unphased. 

“Time to get to Bismuth, Peri.”

They both cringed at the pun. Almost completely in unison too. Peridot rubbed the back of her neck, cheeks and ears flushing. Bismuth was guiding her toward the door with one of her massive hands. Peridot slid on her socks over the one patch of linoleum in the entire barn. 

“See you, Laz.” 

“Bye.” 

Lapis expected the door to slam behind them. If anything, Bismuth very delicately shut it. Sucking in a breath, Lapis sprinted to the door and locked it behind them. She watched as the truck rumbled to life and rolled down the hill. The barn fell still. Birds chirped, a soft breeze ruffled the trees. Before long, she could no longer hear the truck. 

_What does she even do when she works with Bismuth? I can’t picture her doing the whole power tool thing._

She chewed her lip for a moment, trying different mental pictures. Nothing worked. She settled for raiding the kitchen. She held a day-old donut between her teeth as she set up the coffee maker. Or at least attempted to set it up. She nearly dropped her donut as she tried to fit a small plastic cup into the slot. She jammed a button and leapt back. 

The coffee maker hummed and bubbled. It spat out coffee into the sleek metal and plastic mug that had been left in place. It whirred and then went still. Lapis peered into the mug. It was full and it smelled like coffee. She pulled the mug from its place and took a sip. Far too bitter, but definitely coffee. 

Her donut was soggy from where she held it. She didn’t care. Coffee sugared and creamed, she slid into a chair by the wooden table that dominated the spacious kitchen. Sunlight streamed through wide windows, making the room nice and warm. The appliances were stainless steel and gleaming. She was used to yellowed plastic and dented appliances, dingy windows, and dirt. Jasper seldom let her clean. 

The thought sullied her good mood. It took all she could muster to not sling the mug across the room. Her jaw clenched and released. Lapis threw out her donut and dumped the coffee. She left the mug in the sink, all but sprinting form the room. 

Lapis took the stairs two at a time, strain building in her neck from keeping her jaw so tightly clenched. She took a sharp turn down the hall to her bedroom and stopped dead when she opened the door. The air mattress had been replaced by a real bed. There was a dresser nestled close to the window. A few boxes and bags sat on the bed or by the bedside. The few things she had brought with her had been neatly arranged in her closet. Her bass rested near the window, freshly polished. 

Her anger swept through her, draining. She sagged, dropping to the floor as a fresh wave of emotion flooded her. Tears welled in her eyes. As much as she fought it, Lapis wept. 

It took most of the day to sort through her new belongings. Steven had left her a note.

_Hey Lapis!_

_We all kinda figured that you could use a new start and I knew you didn’t have much, so we all pitched in to get you some new clothes and things to make you more comfy here! I got Garnet and Pearl to help me with the whole clothes thing. Bismuth snuck in with the bed and stuff after you fell asleep. Oh and my Dad included something in one of the boxes. He said you’d want it back. Hopefully you like everything._

_Love, Steven_

Lapis had ignored the last box until that point. It wasn’t very long. It was relatively flat. The packaging had been a little worse for the wear, but she had come to expect that of Greg. She tore away the tape, letting it fall to the floor. She pulled back the flaps, only to shut them again for fear of getting tears all over the glass. She took a few steadying breaths before pulling the picture frame free. A piece of paper fell to the floor. She was too enraptured with the image to notice. 

She had been convinced Jasper ruined the only copy of the sketch. Watery blues and a woman surrounded by water and clouds. Greg had made her the print as a birthday present. His nickname for her was water witch. A smile pinched the edge of her lips. 

\--

Homeworld was already in shambles. Peridot had left suddenly, Malachite and Jasper had gotten into something over their heads. They fought nearly daily. And then it was her birthday. Lapis had come to dread her birthday, and that year was looking to be yet another example why. 

Jasper snored on the bed. Beer bottles littered the floor. Lapis had to pick her way across the floor, fearing that she would step on a stray needle. Malachite’s lanky form was draped over the couch. She drooled on a cushion. Even from far away the track marks were visible on her arms. Her teal-white hair was grungy and almost yellow. Lapis dared not to breathe. 

She slipped out of the door, praying that neither would wake. The rundown little studio apartment was on the one crappy side of town. Dogs barked. Lapis sprinted down the sidewalk, heading as far away from the hellhole she called home. 

She had no idea where she could go. She didn’t have a job; Mr. Smiley had stopped offering her shifts after Jasper threatened him. Peridot had vanished one day. She had been so afraid of getting Steven caught up in the mess--

So caught up that she ran face-first into him. 

“Lapis!”

“Oh, Steven. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see if you wanted to do something. You know, for your birthday?”

“I-- I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

His big brown eyes were so soft, they pleaded her for a yes. 

“Okay, but you have to make sure no one tells Jasper.” 

“You got it!” 

She couldn’t understand how he was in college. He made her think that he was still a little kid. How so much innocence could exist in the world befuddled her. But her fear seemed to melt away when he was around. 

They spent her birthday cruising around the bay on a rented yacht, the sea breeze stirring their hair. It felt like summer was never going to end. The azure sky was clear and the sun warm. She had almost forgotten how good it was to be on the sea. How good the fresh salt air felt. She didn’t want the day to end. 

She even laughed when Steven surprised her with a small party. Even Pearl seemed happy to see her. No one even dropped the dreaded J word. Lapis felt normal. 

She was laughing up until Jasper grabbed her out of her chair. The metal chair fell into the sand, her feet hovering off the ground. Jasper snatched the framed print and pitched it into the sea cliff. Garnet had risen from her seat, ready to fight. Lapis’ throat started closing under the pressure from Jasper’s thick arm. She squirmed, eyes welling with tears as Jasper drug her away. 

She could only just make out the sound of Steven trying to calm Amethyst. The rest of the day was a blur. She remembered tasting salt, struggling to breathe. And pain. 

That was the first time Jasper tried to kill her. 

\--  
_Lost my breath_  
_Drowning, my lungs collapsing_  
_Can’t break free_  
_I’m nothing_  
_Losing sight_  
_You’re my dead weight_


	4. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to get ahead chapter-wise because the next few weeks are going to be insanely busy for me as I get ready for my grad school interview. I'm aiming to keep updates regular-- every weekend since I can't seem to keep a Thursday upload schedule. 
> 
> It's absolutely killing me to keep this at a slow burn, but damn it, I am going to make it. In the meantime, enjoy.

Lapis had expected it to be much later. Warm, reddish orange light lit up her bedroom. In the distance, she could just make out the rumble of an engine creeping up the dirt road toward the barn. At first, she tensed. The door swung open, two voices chattered away. Peridot was home.

She slipped down the stairs, padding toward them. Bismuth grinned at her the instant she peeped into the kitchen.

“Hey, blue, do you cook?”

She scrunched her brow, shaking her head at the nickname. Bismuth held up placating palms.

“Uh, not really.”

“Wanna learn something easy?”

Bismuth gestured to a few bags on the counter, her grin still in place. Peridot was busily putting away the other bags. She appeared to be lost in her own little world. 

“Peri here can’t cook to save her life.”

Peridot turned, jarred from her thoughts. She stuck out her tongue, her nose creasing. For some reason, Lapis found it endearing and not childish. She mentally kicked herself for the thought. 

“Where do we start?”

If she had other questions, they had escaped her. If anything, she was more puzzled by Bismuth being so kind to her.

“You know how to peel potatoes or chop veggies?”

Lapis had expected a more difficult task. Relief swept over her. 

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

“Not fine dicing, just big ole chunks.” 

“Even better.”

Bismuth snagged an apron off of a hook. Lapis shook her head when it was extended to her. The garment was tiny compared to Bismuth. It seemed so out of place on her well-built frame. Lapis hung back until Peridot procured a cutting board, a knife and a potato peeler. Lapis didn’t bother learning their locations-- she’d just poke around the kitchen one day when she was bored. Peridot was eyeing her, but there was no malice or anxiety in her glance. If anything, the look was one of curiosity. 

Lapis took her time when she washed her hands. She carefully scrubbed each of the vegetables Bismuth set in front of her, enjoying the splash of the cool water. Jasper’s apartment seldom got anything but lukewarm or semicold water. Bismuth never commented, or remarked on her speed. Lapis shot a glance her way to check what she was doing. 

There was at least half a dozen spice bottles next to the crock pot. And a can of beer. Lapis shrugged, deciding to leave it up to Bismuth. 

“Do you cook a lot, Bismuth?”

“Only for VA cookouts and whenever I think Peri here isn’t eating.”

Peridot didn’t comment. She made a little pouty face, but otherwise her attention was locked on her tablet. 

“You’re too nice to be a boss.”

Bismuth’s booming laughter filled the kitchen. Whatever tension Lapis felt melted away. She hazarded a smile. 

“So how did you get my room set up?” Lapis addressed the room in general.

“I planned it.” Peridot chimed from the background.

“And?”

“Well, it was either wait for you to fall asleep or use Steven as a distraction. Bismuth just spent the night here after she helped settle everything.”

“Oh. Well, what if I had slept in my room?”

“We probably would have waited.” 

“I mean, I could have carried you to the other room, but I don’t think you would have liked that.” Bismuth wore a small smirk. 

“I really appreciate it, thank you.” 

Lapis studied her hands, not daring to look at either of them for fear of losing her facade of control. Drying starch made her fingers stiff. She dumped her vegetables into the crock pot after a nod from Bismuth. The lid clattered into place. Bismuth tapped a little control until the number sixty appeared. 

“We always help a friend in need, right, Peri?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, of course.”

“Don’t mind her, she was raised by computers. And don’t let her fill up on bread first.” 

Lapis didn’t even need to look over her shoulder to tell Peridot was making her pouting face again. Bismuth winked at her, wiping her hands on her apron. 

“Well, I’m going to head out, but the food’s cooking. Give it about an hour and you’ll be set. If you need anything-- and I mean anything, Peri has my number and she’ll give it to you.”

Lapis opened her mouth to comment only to have a slice of bread popped into her mouth. 

“We’re family now. Take care, Lapis. Peri, I’ll call you when the last of our building materials are in-- should only be a day or two.”

“Yeah, see you, Bismuth.” Peridot was tapping away at the tablet’s touch screen. 

Bismuth showed herself the way out, leaving them alone in the kitchen. The slow cooker bubbled happily. Peridot reached for a slice of bread, hesitating before she snatched a slice. Lapis mulled silently as she picked at her bread. She only moved when Peridot reached for a second slice.

“Not until after the food’s done.” She flinched at the words leaving her lips. If she had said that to Jasper…

“Thanks, mom.” Peridot’s sarcastic tone was far from caustic. She was still smiling.

“I-- I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be-- I’d miss out. Bismuth’s a great cook.”

Lapis collapsed into the chair across from her, her energy draining. She ran a hand over her face and through her hair. Her jaw trembled against her will. 

A finger brushed the back of her free hand. She looked up, already feeling the sting of unshed tears. She had never been that jumpy before-- at least not two years earlier. Peridot’s face had softened, she held her palm down and open, just hovering over Lapis’. 

“Can I touch you?”

Lapis nodded tightly, teeth gritted. Peridot’s and was small-- and surprisingly calloused. 

“I-- I’m so sorry.. You’re all being so nice to me and I don’t see how I deserve it--”

“Laz, it’s okay. You’re not some kind of monster--”

“But I am! I didn’t fight back, hell, sometimes I wonder if some sick part of me liked it.”

“If you did, then why did you leave?”

Lapis’ mouth hung open. Her shoulders drooped.

“I… I don’t know.”

“I know it’s hard. But it’ll get better.”

“I hope so…” 

“Laz, you’re safe here, and no one’s gonna pressure you. It’s a good start.”

Lapis released a slow breath. She backhanded a stray tear from her eyes. Peridot still held her hand.

“Thank you.” 

For a moment they sat in silence. The crockpot continued bubbling, filling the room with the smell of a rich pot roast. Peridot withdrew her hand, her cheeks flushing a soft shade of pink. Lapis avoided her eyes. 

\--

The summer sun beat down on the old fish warehouse. Lapis tugged at the collar of her cutoff t-shirt. There was no breeze coming through the old metal roll-up door. Peridot leaned against the stacked amps, hair plastered to her face from sweat. 

“If Jasper doesn’t show, we should bail.”

“Yeah, no kidding.”

“I’m kinda wishing we can just go home; I want to go swimming.”

Peridot snorted. “I’d rather have AC.” 

Lapis took a long pull from a bottle of sports drink. It was lukewarm and the grape flavor was even more chemical tasting after sitting. Just as she was about to unhook her amp, footsteps approached. She turned on the ball of her foot, mouth open and ready to scold when she spotted the person walking with Jasper. The other woman was easily three inches taller than Jasper, standing somewhere close to six-foot-five. She was rail thin but there was a toned edge to her lean frame. Her yellow-green eyes were wild. Lapis had a bad feeling.

“Change of plans, we have a new drummer.”

Peridot was the first to try to make a comment.

“You’re the rhythm guitarist, I’m on lead. It’s too hard to sing over the drums.”

Lapis heard Peridot murmur ‘if you call that singing’. She risked another look at their new drummer. Deep turquoise tattoos ran across her arms in weird patches. She swayed a little, but seemed unbothered by the heat. 

“Name’s Malachite. Who’re you?”

“Lapis, the bassist. This, is Peridot our, um, rhythm guitarist.” 

Cold sweat trickled down her spine. Malachite’s eyes wandered; she moved like a junkie. Every fiber of Lapis’ being was on edge. Malachite oozed her way to the drum kit. Lapis caught Peridot’s eye and they both exchanged worried glances. Jasper was far too focused on tuning her guitar to notice their little exchange. Everything changed that day.

\--   
_Gotta get that next fix  
Take that hit  
Keep partyin’ on  
Fightin’ til the break of dawn  
Whoa-o  
I gotta taste  
Gotta taste of the good shit_


	5. Connection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which we start sowing the seed of feelings, after breaking the cutie further.   
> I'm aiming to have the plot start picking up pace in the next few chapters-- we haven't reached the midpoint just yet.

Lapis caught herself humming as she made her way downstairs the next morning. It wasn’t a particularly upbeat tune, but it was definitely far from a melancholic dirge. She found Peridot in the kitchen, scrolling through a newsfeed on her tablet. The scent of a sugary drink hung in the air. Lapis had to fight her urge to gag. 

“Oh, hey, Laz.”

“Hi, Peridot.”

“You sleep okay?”

“Yeah, you?”

Peridot shrugged as she picked up the can of Sugar Shock Shutdown. Lapis cringed. 

“How can you drink that stuff?”

“Dunno. I don’t get how you like coffee.” 

Lapis lazily hitched a shoulder as she set up the coffee maker. The second time around, it was much easier than her first attempt. She leaned against the counter as she waited for her coffee to brew.

“Hey, Laz, have you actually explored the barn?”

“Uh…”

“What did you do all day before Steven got here?”

In Lapis’ mind there was a flash of the recap screen of Camp Pining Hearts. Her cheeks grew warm, her gaze anxiously flicking out of the only window in the kitchen.

“I, uh, watched Camp Pining Hearts.”

Peridot had looked up from her tablet, can poised at her lips. Instead of taking a sip, she set it down and grinned at Lapis. 

“Oh. Are you caught up?”

“Not yet. I got to season four when Steven came.”

“Season five is better.”

“Cool.” 

They nodded silently at each other as Lapis fixed up her coffee. She settled in the seat across from Peridot.

“Who do you ship?”

“I wanted to like Paulette, but, I dunno, that whole friendship bracelet thing was sketchy. Pierre and Percy seem like they would work together, but I need to see more interactions.”

“THANK YOU! I was telling Steven and Garnet that, but they didn’t believe me!”

“I, um, what does this have to do with seeing the barn?”

“Oh, yeah, I probably should show you around… But after breakfast. I need to finish catching up with my newsfeed.”

Lapis sipped at her coffee, studying the grain of the table beneath her fingers. The kitchen was so light and airy that it felt surreal to be somewhere so calm and peaceful. She took her time studying each element of the room and savoring every sip of fresh coffee-- real coffee, not the cheap hotel or gas station stuff that Jasper called coffee. It was a far cry from the acidic, chemical taste of pre-workout that had passed as the early morning wake-up beverage in her old home. 

Lapis drained her mug, setting it carefully in the sink. Her mug from the previous day had been put in the dishwasher by Peridot. Everything was tidy, everything had a place. It felt… nice.

“So, where would you like to start?”

“Show me everything inside first. Then, um, maybe outside?”

Lapis didn’t mean to stare when Peridot rose from her chair. It was especially hard not to stare at her alien-faced boxers and the overlarge t-shirt that had obviously been a hand-me down from Steven. Peridot’s gaze followed hers and then shot back up. Her cheeks flushed, almost drowning out the smattering of freckles on her cheeks.

“Gimme a sec… I, uh, need pants.” 

Lapis was dead certain she had never seen Peridot move that fast before. She heard the tell-tale thump of her roommate tripping up the stairs and a shout of “I’m okay”. Despite herself, Lapis smiled.   
Peridot returned barely five minutes later, out of breath and wearing a fresh pair of shorts. 

“Now I’ll give you the tour.”

“Nice boxers.”

Peridot grumbled softly under her breath. She flapped her hand irritably and Lapis followed behind her. 

“So you know the kitchen and the living room. Dunno why we have the big amps in the living room-- I don’t use them for surround sound. Uh, this door on the side leads to the studio.”

“Studio?”

“Yeah, Greg has some recording equipment back here and part of it is set up for painting and art-- I guess he had Vidalia in mind in case she needed a retreat? I dunno.”

Peridot wiggled the door handle until at last the door swung open. Lapis stepped into the room, peering around her at the small makeshift recording booth and then the wide, tarp-covered floor to the right. 

“There’s a storage closet in here too, but it’s full of junk. I use it for sculpting when I get bored.”

“I can use all of this?”

“Yeah, anything you want.”

“Wow.” 

Lapis caught herself standing slightly too close to Peridot and took a carefully measured step away from her. Peridot didn’t seem to notice. 

“Let’s see, oh yeah, upstairs is an office space, but since you’re not good with computers, I can at least show you the best part of it.”

Lapis had been ready to retort. Had been until she realized Peridot was right. Computers had never been her forte. She could barely work her phone. Lapis followed behind, feet growing cold from the exposed concrete floor. She stretched her toes at the foot of the stairs, lifting herself on her tiptoes before mounting the stairwell. 

Peridot lead her past the bathroom, past both of their bedrooms to the room at the end of the small hallway. The room was just as light and airy as the kitchen, but the ac blew stronger up there. A leather chair was nestled in the corner next to a massive bookshelf. Lapis stared in awe ad the collection, her hand straying toward the shelf.

“Go ahead, the room won’t bite.”

Lapis traced the mixture of paperback and hard covers, her fingers straying over the few leather-bound books. 

“There’s a little of everything here. Bottom shelf is all my reference books, but the rest is all mixed. You can come in any time. I… I don’t mind if someone is in here while I code. I kinda like the company.”

“And Greg lets you live here?”

“Us, but yeah. He doesn’t care as long as the place is in one piece. No one comes out here and it’s pretty quiet. Bismuth and I did most of the mods.”

“Wow.”

“Wanna see outside? ‘Cause I think the last time you were outside, we kinda ran back in…”

“Oh, yeah…” Lapis avoided her gaze. 

She tried to avoid thinking about the Rubies as much as possible. The Rubies had come around after they had performed a show; they were at every show, clinging to Jasper and Malachite, and blocking anyone from accessing them. Lapis shuddered and not just because of the ac.

“Hey, Laz, believe me, it’s not all that bad here. I can’t wait to finish all the additions; Bismuth and me want build a pool, but Pearl keeps telling us it’s a waste of time.”

“A pool? Really?”

“Well, yeah, the ocean’s, well, it’s down a cliff and I really don’t want to go into town to cool down.” Peridot spoke a tad faster than normal, her eyes darting a little. 

Lapis shrugged it off, following her down the stairs without a second glance. She only hesitated at the threshold. Her pulse hammered as Peridot threw open the door. Bright, warm sunlight flooded the living room. There was a hint of salt to the air and the rich aroma of warm soil. Peridot turned back to her, extending her hand.

“I’m here, it’s okay. Alright?”

Lapis flexed her fingers, swallowing dryly. She let out a slow breath and took Peridot’s hand.   
The countryside was so much greener than she had expected; it had just been a blur on the ride up to the barn. Lapis turned toward the wide fields, her jaw dropping at the early sprouts on neat rows. Freshly turned dirt marked out the start of a garden. She was so busy gawking that she nearly fell into a small pit dug right in front of the barn. Peridot jerked her aside, nearly sending them both toppling over.

“Uh, yeah, that’s the pool.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not what a pool is supposed to look like.” 

“We took liberties.”

Peridot guided her a little way up the path, toward a hill. By the time they crested the hill, the sound of thundering waves and the trills of seagulls could be heard. Lapis felt her blood run cold. Her heart pounded in her chest. Her grip on Peridot’s hand tightened. 

Suppressed memories flooded her mind. Things were just starting to go so well. Her vision narrowed, her breath coming in sharp gasps. 

The salt, the scent of water, the rush of the waves. The way the seabreeze brushed her ear reminded her of Jasper’s hot breath on her ear. Pressure settled in on her back, she swore she could still feel nails on the nape of her neck, pressing her down. The smell of the sea reminded her of her tears, barely hidden even when Malachite joined in. 

“Laz!”

Lapis choked on her memories, sinking deeper as though she was drowning again. She didn’t hear her own scream.

“LAPIS!” 

Lapis jerked back, stumbling. She lost her balance, collapsing onto the grass. Her fingers dug into the dirt, tearing up clumps of grass. Peridot crouched down in front of her, face pale and drawn. 

“It’s okay, you’re okay. Lapis, breathe, okay? They can’t hurt you any more.”

Her cheeks stung almost as much as her eyes. Teeth clenched, Lapis pulled Peridot to her, fingers tangling in the loose folds of Peridot’s shirt. At first, Peridot didn’t touch her, but then she felt arms encircle her shoulders. Lapis sobbed into Peridot’s shoulder. Calloused fingers brushed the nape of her neck. 

“Shhh, you’re okay. I won’t let them hurt you.”  
“You probably think I’m stupid or broken…” Lapis’ voice was as harsh and cracked as a broken mirror. 

“I don’t.”

“Really?”

“Well, yeah. For one, you can form a sentence, so you’re not dumb. You’re still breathing, so I guess you’re not broken. Not like people can be broken anyway, you’re not a tool or a toy.”

Lapis released her grip on Peridot. She backhanded stray tears from the corners of her eyes. She rocked back on her haunches, chewing her lower lip. 

“C’mon, let’s just go and watch Camp Pining Hearts. Tomorrow’s another day. Not like the ocean’s going anywhere.” 

Peridot had a bright sunny smile that was so much like Steven’s that it made her heart ache. 

“Y..yeah. Let’s do that. I dunno, someone might try to steal it.”

Peridot snorted as she led the way down the path to the barn. 

“Right, and Beach City will be invaded by sentient minerals.”

Lapis found a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She caught herself smiling.

“Yeah, right.”

Neither of them spoke about what happened on the ridge. 

\--  
[From Lapis’ journal]

_Now things are falling apart  
Losing track of all I’ve done  
Can’t shake the feeling  
That I’m at fault_

_I’m losing touch  
Losing ground  
Falling out of sight  
Still reaching for you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And as an added note:  
> Lapis is 23, going on 24  
> Peridot is 22  
> Steven is 19  
> Amethyst is 21


	6. On Solid Ground

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters are prewritten for my convenience. I'm not as proud of this chapter as the others, but I can guarantee things will pick back up next chapter.

Chapter 6: On Solid Ground

Lapis swung her feet over the edge of the barstool. The weight of an acoustic guitar was familiar and comforting. She strummed idly, humming to herself as Steven tweaked with the controls of the recording booth. Her ribs no longer ached, she felt stronger than she had in months. 

“You seem pretty happy.”

“Huh? Oh, I guess so.”

“I haven’t seen you smile since you worked at Funland.”

“I’ve smiled since then.”

“Yeah, but it’s not the same when you’re not squirting bullies with high powered water guns.”

Lapis grinned at him. It was one of the few good memories she had from the times before Jasper took over her life. Back when she still worked at Funland (and hated it). Who knew four years could change everything?

“Well, people shouldn’t be douchebags.” 

Steven stood up from the control panel mocking her holding a water gun and slapping the water control button. He made a loud whooshing noise. They both broke into peals of laughter. The instant they settled down, he blew a loud raspberry to the air, making them burst back into laughter. A stray tear rolled down Lapis’ cheek. Her face ached from laughing. 

“I knew you could still laugh.” Steven was all smiles as he set up the recording equipment. 

Lapis adjusted her grip on the guitar as she shifted on the barstool. It felt weird to be sitting close to a microphone again. She squirmed, her fingers curling and uncurling around the guitar’s neck. There was a thump and then feedback. Lapis cringed.

“Uh, maybe I’m more of a roadie. Maybe Peridot could help me get the settings right?”

“Oh, um, don’t worry about it. I think Peridot said she had a spare recorder for me. I don’t want to be a pain.”

Steven looked up from the tangle of cords, his eyebrows rising.

“Are you guys having problems?”

“Not at all, I just feel like I’m asking a lot of her.”

Steven tripped over a thick knot of cables on his way to her. He managed to right himself, stopping just shy of her seat. Lapis held out a hand to help steady him. 

“I don’t think she minds. Usually Peridot tells people when she doesn’t like them.”

“How do you know her, anyway?”

“We had a computer class together. Okay, she was the TA of the computer class.”

“She’s such a nerd.” 

Lapis sighed as she slid off the barstool. She laid the guitar in its case, her fingers brushing an imaginary speck of dust off its face. Steven grinned at her as she shut the case.

“Yeah, that’s what Amethyst says too.”

Lapis surveyed the rest of the studio, lips pursing in thought. She wandered toward the storage closet that Peridot had warned her about a few months earlier. She didn’t get the avalanche of junk she expected. If anything, the closet was a little underwhelming. There were a few little pieces of scrap that she thought she could use, but she had no idea where to start.

Art. Her therapist had suggested art or music to help her work through her feelings. So far it had led to further frustration and a feeling of helplessness. Lapis wanted to scream. It didn’t help that she had already built an irrigation system for the crops from a printout Peridot had left laying on the coffee table. Lapis was getting antsy. 

“Ugh, I thought this would be easy.”

“If it was easy, everyone would do it.”

“You’re starting to sound like your dad. Next you’re going to tell me that if every pork chop was perfect--”

“We wouldn’t have hotdogs.” He chimed as he lowered himself to the ground to start pulling apart the mass of cables.

Lapis exhaled loudly, throwing up her hands in frustration. Her lips were drawn tight across her teeth. She shut the closet door with more force than necessary so that it banged. 

“Have you thought about starting a new band?”

She stopped midstep. Her brow furrowed, her posture dropping from tense to guarded. Her shoulders drooped.

“I-- I’m scared that it will go the way the last one did.”

Steven looked up from the cables, sweat rolling down his forehead as he tugged. 

“What if you just play with people you know? I’m sure Peri wouldn’t mind, and Amethyst is a good drummer. If I didn’t have school and didn’t have to help out the Crystal Gems, I’d be in.”

“I… Maybe. I think I should write some music first before I try to start a band.”

“If it helps, she hasn’t been seen in town and neither have her groupies. But y’know, you don’t have to go public, just play for yourself. And maybe if Amethyst moves her drum kit out, Pearl will stop yelling at us…”

“I knew there was another reason. I just don’t know about a band. Not now, maybe in a few months…”

Steven pulled his phone from his pocket, swiping through a few screens. He tapped away at the screen for a minute and then set his phone down. 

“I just set an event date. Think about it for, I dunno, a month and a half? And then I’ll check in on you. No pressure.” 

Lapis sighed, lifting her shoulders in a shrug. Her palms were splayed in a gesture that read ‘yeah, whatever’. She crept back over to the guitar case. She nudged it with her foot. She blew out another loud breath. 

“Ugh. It’s just frustrating.”

“I know. When was the last time you wrote a song?”

“Before Malachite joined Homeworld.”

“Oh, that… That is a while.”

“Two years, nine months, and five days. Not that I’m counting.” 

Steven whistled softly as he reconnected a handful of cables. Lines straightened, he followed the trail until he was back under the control panel. Lapis let him work, her mind ablaze. She paced tight circles in the large room, muttering to herself. The door opened, but neither noticed. 

“Uh. Steven, I had it all set up.”

Lapis spun on the ball of her foot, a chill running along her spine until she spotted Peridot. A green flannel shirt hung loosely from the other girl’s shoulders. There was a soft thump when Steven sat up. 

“Owwww.”

“Oh crap. Are you alright?”

“Just my head and my pride hurt.”

“I probably should have cleaned up the cables; your dad is so messy.”

Peridot slid under the control panel as Steven emerged rubbing his forehead. Confusion left Lapis’ face blank. A hot flush spread to her cheeks. She cleared her throat. 

“Steven was helping me set up the recording booth so I could work on some music to help…”

“Oh, I figured that much, not like it’s likely that we’d start another band, right?” Peridot laughed. 

“Well, actually.”

Steven’s eyes went wide as saucers. His mouth hung open. It was Peridot’s turn to smack her head on the console.

“Uh, what?” They spoke in unison.

“Steven suggested that I start another band to help me recover. And maybe it’s a good idea. Nothing big, I don’t think I want to play any shows any time soon.”

“What about remaining on the downlow?”

Peridot elbowed Steven, lips pinching. Her green eyes had gone wide with horror. 

“Oh, we wouldn’t really share the music outside of our little group, unless it was you know, safe.”

Lapis felt herself smirk. 

“I-- Steven, may I talk to you?”

Steven was hardly given a chance to speak when Peridot seized him by the wrist and led him out of the studio. Lapis raised on her tiptoes to settle on the barstool. She counted.

“WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?” 

She grinned. Maybe Steven did have a point. She did feel considerably better sitting there listening to the two bicker in the other room. It was almost as good as catching the flustered look on Peridot’s face any time she walked around the barn in a crop top.

A few minutes later, Peridot and Steven came back into the room. Peridot’s arms were crossed, her lips tight and her nose furrowed.

“You can write songs.”

Peridot groaned softly, her hands dropping and suddenly rising as she attempted to muffle a string of curses. 

“You like making my life more difficult, don’t you?”

“Not really, it just so happens that your life is so easy to make difficult.” 

“I swear, if this is an April fool’s joke, I’m going to punch you both.”

Lapis caught Steven’s eye. Their brows furrowed. Despite themselves, they burst into laughter after Steven pointed to the calendar. 

“I swear, it’s not a joke. I think it will be good for us.” 

“I just worry, Laz, that’s all. No gigs, just music for us and maybe to annoy Pearl.” 

Peridot’s expression changed in the blink of an eye. She grinned and extended a hand to Lapis.

“Great, when do we start?”

Lapis almost laughed when she caught the look of mute horror on Steven’s face. Decidedly, she felt better than she had in months. 

\--  
Word of mouth was a powerful thing. Especially when Lapis had a connection with Beach City’s most famous resident. Sure, Homeworld had discussed joining the summer festival before. They had done some shows, after all. They had a small draw, not the biggest crowds, but each show did bring more people. Naturally the next step was to stop playing at dives and go big-- but it made Lapis nervous.

She adjusted her bass’ strap for what had to be the hundreth time. Jasper was leaning against a metal support. She was utterly unfazed. Malachite was stalking around the small backstage area, kicking up clouds of sand. Peridot just stared blankly at her guitar, as though she had only just seen it for the first time.

Jasper had been worse in the weeks leading up to the festival. At first, she was surprisingly chipper. In the first week, she never hit Lapis, didn’t seem angry even when the song writing got tough. It even seemed like they were all getting along as a band. And then her mood changed as the day of the festival approached. 

Lapis kept checking her foundation to make sure that it hadn’t sweat off. It took a lot of careful practice to make herself walk straight. Only her hands were spared from Jasper’s wrath. She kept running the thought of how Jasper would react if they sucked over and over. She tried to brace herself for whatever sick torture Jasper would inflict on her. 

“And next to the stage, our hometown rockers, Homeworld!”

Lapis sucked in a harsh breath as she started for the stage. Her eyes were unfocused, her heart pounding. Her fingers trembled. She felt a sense of unrealness settle in on her. She didn’t feel herself play. She didn’t hear the music. She just knew. 

She still felt disconnected when they stepped off the stage. When the Rubies surrounded them, praising Jasper, all but carrying her off. Lapis felt unreal even as Malachite drug her back to Jasper’s pickup truck. She could still hear the Rubies, feel their resentment. 

It all started going downhill that night.   
\--  
 _Sometimes you feel crazy  
Sometimes you feel lost  
Keep tryin’ to figure  
Everything out   
But the rules keep changin’_


	7. Lost Nerve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly delayed due to me moving. And the fact that this is an added filler chapter per my partner's request-- guess I got too overeager. I have no idea when the next chapter will be done but hopefully it will be up by week's end.

Chapter 7: Lost Nerve

Lapis stared listlessly out of the kitchen window. She knew she had food waiting for her on the table and that her coffee had long since finished brewing. Peridot had only just shuffled into the kitchen. The usual pop and fizz of a Sugar Shock Shutdown can came a little later than she anticipated.

“Did you make breakfast for us?”

“Yeah, Bismuth loaned me some cookbooks yesterday. I know it’s not much…”

“No, no, I like pancakes. I’m really surprised you made them. Thank you.”

Lapis waited until she heard the clink of a fork and knife before she spoke again.

“Hey, Peridot.”

“Yeah?” It came out more as ‘yeh’ thanks to Peridot’s mouthful.

“I… I don’t think I’m ready for the band. I know Amethyst is bringing her drums over, but… I haven’t written a single song and… I’m scared.” She blurted her thoughts, still staring at the green fields stretching toward the horizon. 

There was silence for a moment. Then the clink of Peridot setting down her utensils.

“Oh, um, okay? It’s your decision, Laz. I mean, we did just finish filling up the Smaller-Than-Average-Lake, so maybe we could just, I dunno, hang out?”

“Can we just agree to call it a pool?”

Peridot snorted. Lapis smiled despite her best efforts to quash the movement.

“No. But anyway, you just tell me when you’re ready. We’re in no rush. It’s your band, after all.”

“Thanks, Peridot.”

With her nerves assuaged, Lapis crossed the kitchen to finally eat her own breakfast. She was once more surprised that her cooking was edible, let alone enjoyable. The spotless plates at the end of breakfast told her that it was a success. 

Peridot bolted out of her chair, shooing her anytime she tried to stand to clean up. The smaller woman clicked her tongue in a sound Lapis imagined she picked up from Garnet. Either that or she was trying to train her like a dog. Lapis pursed her lips as she scrolled through an art blog on her phone. 

“What did you think about the Rubies?”

There was a crash behind her. Lapis was ready to spring up to grab the broom, but Peridot gently pressed her shoulders, making her stay in her seat. 

“It’s just a plate. We have plenty. I’m not hurt.”

Lapis swirled her coffee around in her mug.

“You didn’t answer the question.” She kept her tone neutral and polite. 

“I didn’t like them. Especially not after they kept coming to every gig we played. Sure, they were an audience, but I dunno, the one with the arm patch and the one with the arm tattoo were creepy.”

“I thought the one with the belly button ring was creepy.”

“Why?”

“She was so… fake.”

“Didn’t she like, lose her mind when she saw Ja-- her touch you?”

“Yeah.”

“I never liked them.”

“Were they why you left?”

Peridot set down a plate harder than necessary. It didn’t break, but the noise it made spoke volumes. 

“No. At least, not entirely.”

“Oh. I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t think about how you felt-- I’m really--”

“Don’t worry about it. I know you didn’t mean to pry.”

“Of course not!” 

She heard Peridot swallow, the tension in the room suddenly thick. Peridot jammed a plate into the dishwasher. They both took a shaky breath.

“Let’s… try not to think about that today. It will be okay.”

“It will. I don’t think I’ve ever swam in a Smaller-Than-Average-Lake before.”

And then suddenly the mood lightened when Peridot snorted. It wasn’t long before they both started laughing.

“I’m making a sign for it.”

“Oh my god.” 

“I will. But let me go and call Amethyst. I’ll still have her bring her drums over so Pearl stops having a heart attack every five minutes.”

Lapis tapped her foot on the floor. She sipped at her coffee unsure of whether the rush she felt was from the caffeine or jitters from nerves. The last few sips of coffee were bitter. She wondered if that was a hint from the universe. Setting her cup in the dishwasher, she let the thought go. Not everything could be out to get her. Surely it couldn’t. 

She climbed the stairs to her room, trying to shake the thought of the Rubies from her mind. How the seemingly harmless one had cornered her, holding a knife to her throat for “encroaching” on her “precious Jasper”. She had never been sure where the line between fan and psycho was drawn and how easy it was to cross it. Maybe Malachite had something to do it with it. 

Maybe, maybe, maybe. Her life was nothing but uncertainties and fear. There was a pocket of self-doubt, pity, and rage. But she was also certain she had hope. That became clearer as she lay on her bed, her gaze falling on the poster Greg Universe made for her and the photo of Steven and her underneath it. 

Lapis dozed as warm sunlight streamed through her blinds. She wasn’t sure how long she was out. She wasn’t even aware of how deeply she had dozed until there was a loud metallic crash from downstairs. Rubbing at her eyes, Lapis sat up. She knew the sound of a crashing cymbal all too well. 

She padded downstairs to find a mess in the doorway. Amethyst leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed, a smug grin on her face. 

“Told you you’re not strong enough, P.”

“You weighed it down somehow.”

“Nope.”

“That’s an interesting wake-up call.” Lapis chimed from the top of the stairs. 

A strange expression whipped across Amethyst’s face. Eventually her brow settled. 

“Well, look who decided to join us. Can you help P with the other parts of the kit? I’ve gotta grab the pedals from the van.”

She left before Lapis could open her mouth. Shrugging to herself, she joined Peridot in the midst of the disassembled drum kit. She wrapped her arms around the nearest snare. She hugged it close to her as she lifted. Peridot watched, mouth hanging open. 

“It’s really not that heavy.”

“Says you, long-arms Mcgee.”

Lapis smirked. She had to bite her lower lip to keep herself from laughing. 

“If arm length is a problem, then how can Amethyst carry it and not you?” 

“Don’t question my logic.” 

Lapis could no longer stop herself. She snorted. She had to readjust her grip on the drum to keep from dropping it when she started laughing harder. Behind her, Peridot huffed-- and not just from the weight of the cymbals she was carrying. 

“You and Amethyst should get matching shirts. Shortie squad.” 

“Lazuli, I will drop this cymbal on your toe.” There was no anger to the threat. 

Lapis felt her cheeks heat up. Momentarily chided, she set down her snare in the studio. 

“S-sorry.”

“How’s it feel to hit your head all the time?”

“I dunno, ask Jasper.” Lapis’ jaw clicked shut in sudden shock. 

Peridot blinked owlishly. She raised placating palms the instant she had the cymbals on the ground. Lapis shocked herself even more when she started laughing. She knew it as an ugly laugh. A loud, awkward laugh. One that included quite a bit of snorting. 

“Hehe, the look on your face. Oh my-- what did my face look like?” 

Peridot just stared. Lapis couldn’t read her expression. 

“Are you okay?”

“Probably not, but I’ve felt worse.” 

They paused on their way back to the front of the barn. Peridot had given her another once over. Lapis still wasn’t sure what she was thinking.

“Great, now I’m not the only insane one.” 

They grinned at each other. By the time Amethyst joined them, they had dissolved into fits of laughter, holding each other’s shoulder for support. Which was fairly difficult considering their four inch height gap.

“Wow, you two are weird.”

That only made them laugh harder. When they finally regained control, both were rubbing their eyes. Peridot was quicker to recover, her cheeks flushing when she realized she had her hand on Lapis. 

“Um, let’s go swimming. We can take care of the rest later.” She had a nervous little laugh, her eyes whipping from one face to the other.

Lapis wore a lazy grin as she rubbed at her ribs. Her face hurt from smiling. Peridot bolted up the stairs hardly a minute later, leaving her with Amethyst. Neither spoke for a long moment. 

“Um, so, you can use the bathroom upstairs if you want to change. I, um, I’m gonna go and get into my swimsuit…”

Lapis crept away, padding up the stairs a little too quickly. There was always a sort of tension in the air whenever she and Amethyst were together for a long period of time. She didn’t dislike Amethyst; she was too aware of how poorly Jasper had treated her own sister. However, she did get the distinct feeling that Amethyst did not like her in the least. 

Once in her room, Lapis brooded as she poked at her drawers. Bathing suits. Water. The beach. Jasper holding her under the water. The seagulls laughing at her overhead, the burn of salt in her eyes and nose. The way the water eventually sucked all the sound from the world. 

Lapis shuddered as the world came back to her. It was the small things that brought her back; the sound of the birds, or in this case, the sound of Peridot yelling at Amethyst to get out of her room because she was still getting dressed. Lapis clutched at the thin material of her sarong, taking slow deep breaths. She shook her head as her sense of reality returned. 

By the time she had changed, Peridot and Amethyst were already waiting at the door. Amethyst seemed utterly unimpressed. Peridot, however, was staring at her. Not that Lapis didn’t feel her own eyes wandering. Color tinted her cheeks as she forced herself to look away from Peridot. Instead, she turned to Amethyst, forcing a smile.

“I like your bathing suit.”

“Uh, same.”

Peridot still seemed to be at a loss for words. Her lips moved, no sound escaping at first. Then she pointed outside. Amethyst was the first out the door, sprinting up the grass pathway to the pool. Peridot was second, walking with purpose, cheeks a vivid red. Lapis took up the rear, trying to keep her eyes forward and over Peridot’s head. She snuck a look. Chewing her lip, she made a note that she needed a hobby or something to distract her. 

“Cannonball!” 

In her daze, Lapis didn’t hear the pseudo-warcry. A wall of water smashed into her face, driving the breath from her. Peridot and Amethyst fell deathly still. Peridot’s fingers twitched. Her face had drained of color.

“You want a water war? Well, you’re in for one! They don’t call me Water Witch for nothing!” 

Lapis sprinted full speed up the path, feet slipping on the slick grass. She hit the water with surprising force, driving the air from her lungs. Amethyst crowed with laughter, only to cough up a mouthful when it splashed in her face. Peridot stood at the pool’s edge, watching the chaos. 

Lapis tread water, feeling an odd sense of calm. If she fully stretched out, she could feel the pool’s bottom under her toes. She had expected panic, not manic glee. Lapis closed her eyes, soaking in the warmth of the sun. Peridot and Amethyst were laughing and splashing and for a moment, things felt just right in the world. She felt as though she was home. 

Some time near dusk, Lapis got out of the pool. She wrapped a towel around herself, but left a trail of water behind her. She headed up stairs for a shower and a change of clothes while the others argued over what they should order for dinner.

Lapis hesitated at the top of the stairwell when she heard Peridot and Amethyst talking. Eavesdropping may have been wrong, but it had helped her survive Malachite and Jasper.

“Look, P, I know you two have history, but really, crushing on her?”

“What’s so wrong with that?”

“She’s damaged goods, P. You don’t come out a thing with my sis without issues, trust me.”

“But--”

“Dude, she’s a downer. Sure, she acts nice, but did you stop to think that, I dunno, maybe she might just do whatever my sis did to her to you?”

“Have you actually talked to her? It stands to reason--”

“Logic, blah, blah. You’re not thinkin’ with your brain. You think you’re so smart, but you don’t know what Jasper does to her exes, I do. I’m only sayin’ all this ‘cause I’m worried you’ll do something dumb and get hurt.”

“I don’t know what Jasper does? Amethyst, I have the scars on my wrists to show for the aftermath of what she did. For something I had no control of. I think I know what I’m talking about.”

“P, I--”

Lapis had to creep down a few stairs to hear them. 

Peridot huffed a sigh. Lapis could picture her cradling her head in her hands. How tired her eyes would look the instant she looked up.

“Amethyst… just… go home, please?”

“I’m really sorry, P, I really am. I’ll go, but know that I still got your back, okay?”

Lapis crept back up the stairs, jaw tightening. If she went down to comfort Peridot, Peridot would know she was listening in. It’d be too hard to play oblivious. Sighing, Lapis snuck back up the stairs to her room. She took care to close her door as softly as she could. Her heart ached. 

\--

If there was one thing Lapis was certain of it was that she didn’t really love Jasper. She didn’t really take that into account until near the end of the summer until a few weeks before the festival. She had considered breaking up with her after the festival, leaving for something a little calmer. 

Why would Jasper need her when she had Malachite and their new groupies? The Rubies came any time they did a show. They practically worshipped Jasper. And hell, she’d have a new person in bed with her five nights a week-- wasn’t that part of the life Jasper wanted? 

The thoughts hung vaguely in her mind on a sweltering day. She swayed on her feet. Her sweat had dried on her skin. Her thoughts became less and less clear as their rehearsal continued. Her water bottle had long since run dry and there seemed to be no end in sight. 

Peridot had taken off her jacket. She tugged at her collar. Malachite was sitting behind the drums shirtless, her rail thin build hunched. Jasper didn’t seem to notice the heat. 

Lapis was finding it hard to breathe. 

“Jasper, I think I need to take a break.”

“Breaks are for losers, Lapis. Suck it up.”

Lapis reeled almost as badly as if she had been struck. Bile burned at the back of her throat. Her knees gave out first. Huffing, she tried to keep the contents of her stomach down. Her knuckles tightened. She heard Malachite burst into laughter behind her. Jasper scoffed.

“Are you trying to kill her?”

“Aw, man, fuck this shit, J, we might as well go and party. These lame asses don’t give a fuck.”

“You ruin this for me, Lapis, and I will end you.” 

Lapis didn’t hear them leave. They wouldn’t go far without their equipment, though. 

“Hey, are you going to be okay?”

She shook her head, fighting back the rising bile. She felt small hands cup her shoulders. Peridot eased her back until she was sitting up. Lapis swayed. Her eyes rolled up toward her skull. She forced herself back into consciousness. Peridot pressed her palm to her forehead. 

“Oh my stars. We need to get you somewhere cool. Hold up, water first.” She spoke quickly and mostly to herself. Panic was undoubtedly kicking in.

Lapi poured all her energy into staying conscious. Lukewarm water spilled into her mouth. She choked at first, sputtering. 

“Drink, then I have to get you out of here. I think there’s a store not far from here. We’ll get you cooled off.”

The water again. This time she swallowed. She drank graciously. She would have complained about the water temperature, but it was far too refreshing. She didn’t even care that Peridot was bottle feeding her. The bottle ran dry. 

Lapis shut her eyes for a moment. The world didn’t seem as wobbly. 

“I’m going to have you stand up, okay? We’ll get you some more water and a cool cloth, okay?”

She nodded, letting Peridot guide her. She never expected a girl four inches shorter than her to hoist her to her feet. Their height gap impeded them only slightly. Lapis leaned heavily on her shoulder, world still swaying gently. 

They passed Jasper’s pick-up, where Jasper and Malachite were laughing with the windows rolled up. Peridot swore at them as they picked their way up the broken pavement path. 

“Stupid friggin’ clods.”

The rest of the trip was a blur to Lapis. She didn’t remember being brought into the store. How the owner scrambled to get her some damp cloths. She couldn’t remember what store it was or what they sold. All she remembered was at some point, Peridot started holding her hand. There had been a vague feeling attached to that, she couldn’t quite place it. All she knew was that she didn’t want it to stop.

\--

_Reachin’ out  
Tryin’ to find my destiny  
It’s as far away as the stars  
And just as cold as space_

_I just keep reachin’  
Grasping at air  
Empty hands and pockets  
Are all I’ve got _


	8. Promises, Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got done a little later than I anticipated, but we should be right on track after next week. One more filler chapter and the plot will finally move forward. This chapter is a little shorter than usual.

Lapis expected Peridot to be angry or at the very least broody the next morning. They had spent most of the previous night in an awkward silence after Amethyst left. Peridot wasn’t her usual, enthusiastic self, but she wasn’t particularly moody.

Lapis stirred her coffee again. She sipped at it, but she never noticed its taste. Peridot had barely touched her Sugar Shock. The heavily sugared scent hung in the air. 

“Is there anything you wanna do today, Laz?”

Lapis had to fight her body’s sudden urge to spit out her coffee. That seemed to bring a faint smile to Peridot’s face. Lapis quickly swallowed, her mouth burning. She exhaled. The roof of her mouth stung, tears pricked the corners of her eyes. 

“The other day you said you’d help me find the paint and stuff. And well, since Bismuth brought over the easel and I haven’t done anything with it, I think now’s the time.”

Peridot’s pursed her lips. Her long, slim fingers tapped the table as she thought.

“I think… It should be with my clay. Should be easy enough to find.” 

“In this place? It took me an hour to find the vacuum.”

Peridot turned away from her, refocusing her gaze out the kitchen window. Her ears were starting to go red.

“Uh, yeah… I had a system. Had. Until Amethyst started coming over.”

Lapis raised her eyebrows, trying to stop herself from grinning a tad smugly. It didn’t work. Peridot made more of an effort to avoid her gaze. 

“Okay, okay, some of it was her, some of it is because there was a new DLC for the game I play… Something’s gotta keep these,” she wriggled her fingers. “Occupied.”

Lapis bit her lip. It did nothing to stifle her snort. Peridot’s cheeks were crimson. She snatched up her drink can and chugged. Lapis grinned. 

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. Let’s get you set up with this paint…”

Peridot jumped up from her seat. Lapis watched her struggle to drain the last of her can. She had a hard time keeping herself from laughing when Peridot couldn’t crush the can. Peridot was a flurry of motion. By the time she reached the hall, Lapis was finally on her feet and two steps behind her. 

Neither spoke as Peridot led the way to the studio. Peridot swung open the door to the supply closet, grin in place only to have it wiped the instant she spotted the mess. 

“I’m such a clod.” She mumbled. 

“Yeah, I gave up after a few minutes.”

“Well, since I’ll be at this for a bit, Bismuth should have left you something on the mixing table.”

Lapis watched her for a moment. Her nose wrinkled. She waited for another comment, but Peridot was busily pulling boxes and stacking them. Lapis shrugged and inspected the mixing table. There was only one spot clear of dust and that held a paper bag. She poked it. Nothing happened. Paper crinkled. 

She unfolded the top. She pulled out a small pile of stiff, blue fabric. She unfolded the garment, letting the legs flop to the floor. It was a simple pair of coveralls, but on the left breast pocket was her name. 

“She said it was a thank you for help with the small-- er, the pool.”

“All I did was sit there and fill it.”

Her mind provided a picture of herself in a sunhat, book in one hand, hose in the other. Definitely not the most glamorous way she had spent a Tuesday afternoon, but it hadn’t been particularly bad. 

“She said if you want a job, she’d be happy to give you one.”

“What as a pool filler? Lapis Lazuli, professional pool filler. Specializing in water, moping, and death glaring at your neighbor.”

Peridot laughed hard enough to snort. That was new. Lapis felt a weird fluttering in her stomach the longer they laughed together. Lapis slowly fell silent as Peridot continued rummaging through the storage closet. 

A trail of boxes lined either side of the door. It was surprising how much crap could fit into a closet. Either Peridot had fit everything Tetris-style or the closet was deeper than Lapis dared to guess. She peered into the doorway. Peridot had stopped laughing, the sound replaced by frustrated grunting and quiet mumbling. A box labeled art supplies sat at the very bottom of a wall of cardboard.   
Lapis sucked in a slow breath.

“Hey, Peridot?”

“Yeah, Laz?”

“I’m… I’m not a burden on you, am I?”

Peridot scrambled back suddenly. Her hands flailed as she tried to catch a falling paint can. Her arms swung out and the can hit the floor, splattering paint up the leg of her jeans. 

“Of course not!”

Lapis extended a hand to her only to pull it back. Crimson paint left a trail up the side of Peridot’s left leg. Some had even splashed up to her t-shirt. A single red dot was on the lens of her glasses. 

“Are you sure? I don’t want to ruin any of your friendships by staying… I know Pearl hates me and Amethyst probably does too.”

“No, no. Please, I want you to stay here. They can get used to it.”

Peridot wasn’t meeting her eyes. The tips of her ears started to flush. 

“But why?”

Now her face was as red as the paint covering her leg. She shook her leg.

“I, uh, I’m gonna need to get this washed off. Paint’s right there, have fun.”

Lapis stood in stunned silence as Peridot bolted off, trailing red footprints. Her cheeks felt oddly warm and her heart was beating slightly faster than she thought necessary. She never expected Peridot to get defensive of her. 

She looked to the closet and back to the trail of footprints. A stack of canvas lay neatly arranged against the wall, her easel not too far away. A drop cloth was already in place. She let out a slow breath, deciding to let matters drop. She had already pushed away enough people for the time being. 

\--

“So what’s the deal with you and Jasper?”

Lapis looked up from tuning her bass. She brushed her bangs from her eyes. She pursed her lips as she tried to come up with an answer.

“I guess we’re dating?”

“You guess? Aren’t you supposed to know if you’re in a relationship or not?”

“It’s… complicated.”

“Oh. Complicated because of feelings or complicated cause she’s scary?”

Lapis set down her bass, turning to face Peridot for the first time that day. They kept a side door open so there was a cross breeze. The wind picked up a little; it carried a hint of rain. 

“Why the sudden interest?”

“Just curious why she bosses you around, that’s all.”

“I wouldn’t ask all that much. I--I don’t want her getting mad at you.”

Peridot’s mouth was partially open, ready for a comment, but she quickly shut it. Her gaze strayed back on the gym matting beneath their gear. Lapis sighed. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s okay. I’m not mad or anything. Just… nervous.”

Lapis wondered if Peridot had noticed that she was wearing more makeup than usual. Or how stiffly she held herself. Jasper had only started hitting her after her bout of heat exhaustion. She tried not to count the times before that-- it was too infrequent anyway. Nor did she count the verbal assault. Mostly because half the time she threw it right back at her. At least until she was threatened with a massive fist. She had stopped fighting back. Two weeks of brutal rehearsals, two weeks of increased attacks on her from all angles had taken too much from her. 

“I understand.”

“Huh?”

Lapis idly rubbed a faint bruise on the inside of her elbow. It was roughly the size of Jasper’s thumb.

“I understand why you’re nervous. My--my mom is like her.”

She froze, midstroke. She forgot all about the pain underneath her fingers. She looked back at Peridot who had sat down on the mat, clutching her guitar. It was funny how she could look like a small child.

“I’m so sorry.” She wasn’t even sure if she sounded sincere or not. 

“Hey, it’s not that bad… I got to meet you, right?”

Lapis paused, gallon jug of water pressed against her lips. She set it down as she cracked a weak smile. 

“Yeah. That part isn’t so bad.”

Peridot leaned back, carefully checking the space around her so she didn’t bump any of Jasper’s precious equipment. Lapis studied her round face and button nose. She still looked like she was fresh from high school. But there was something behind her vibrant green eyes. 

Lapis lifted her water jug, rolling her eyes at the scolding she had gotten from Jasper. 

“One day we’ll get ourselves out of our messes.”

“Yeah, sure.” 

“Promise?”

Lapis turned back to her. Peridot had her pinky finger extended. Lapis released a slow breath, her brow arching. She hooked pinkies with Peridot. 

“Promise. Just… don’t let Jasper see you acting all soft.”

She made a show of rolling her eyes dramatically. Peridot snickered.

“Yeah, don’t be too much of a nerd and don’t have feelings. Ugh, it’s bad enough I have to dumb myself down for Malachite.” 

Lapis snorted. The smile was wiped from her face when their missing bandmates stumbled in. The smell of liquor and something vaguely chemical hung on them both. 

So much for an easy gig night.

\--

[From Lapis’ journal-- Age 17]  
 _I’ve got this feeling  
Locked deep in my chest  
Like a scream locked in  
Blocked in, trapped in  
Tearing away at my skin_

_Can’t hurt me more than  
You already did  
Can’t rip out a dead heart  
You’re not strong enough  
To destroy rock_


	9. Mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I switched chapter order to help move things along. I may go back and fix up the previous chapter-- but that all depends on time and motivation considering that the next chapter needs a lot of extra work.

Lapis padded barefoot onto the hill. Her feet were pale in the bright moonlight. Dew dripped between her toes. A warm sea breeze ruffled her hair. The sound of an acoustic guitar traveled on the still night air. 

_Fathoms of mystery  
Darkness behind your eyes  
Heart deep as the sea  
The pain behind that silver pane_

_Ohhh Lapis Lazuli_

_Drownin in you  
Pulled under your current  
Can’t breathe, but I don’t care  
‘Cause your kiss is better than air_

Lapis stopped in her tracks, just slightly downhill from Peridot. Peridot’s feet dangled over the cliff’s edge. Her voice was clearer than Lapis had ever heard it; she had been too accustomed to the rougher vocals they had used in Homeworld. She didn’t know that Peridot could actually sing. 

She watched the moonlight glimmer on Peridot’s plugs and her glasses. She smiled. 

The last few chords hung in the air. Waves splashed far below them. 

“Nice song.”

“Shit!” Peridot scurried to keep both herself and her guitar from falling over the edge. Her breaths came in short puffs as she collapsed back on solid ground. 

“S-sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Peridot clutched her guitar, chest heaving. 

“Oh my stars, I nearly died!”

“I would have pulled you back.”

Lapis tilted her head down to catch her roommate’s wild stare. She heard a soft snort. Peridot’s breathing had slowed, but Lapis found that she was having trouble slowing hers.

“You really liked it?”

“Yeah.”

Peridot hummed softly, her face lit up like a Christmas tree. Lapis couldn’t stop herself from grinning. 

“Lemme guess, you came up here to stargaze?”

“Or watch the waves, I dunno. Something.”

Lapis sat down next to her, pressing her knees to her chest. For a little while they sat in silence. She caught her gaze drifting over to Peridot. They stewed in their own thoughts, but there was no tension between them. If anything, Lapis felt more relaxed than she had in months.

“I miss the days when we got along.”

“All of us?”

“No. You and me.”

Her words were like a dagger to the heart. Lapis’s brow furrowed. 

“Oh. Like when she wasn’t there?”

“Yeah, before she started dragging you away. Like the night she got wasted and we ran off to the boardwalk.”

She cracked a smile at the thought. She chuckled softly. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Peridot grinning. 

“So the night that you nearly fainted after getting off the roller coaster?”

Peridot snorted.

“Those corn dogs were definitely not fresh.”

They broke into laughter. There had been nights where Homeworld was just two girls-- one on bass and one one guitar. Nights where they fooled around with tuning and pedals making whatever noise they could. Nights where they laughed more than cried. 

“We should have never played that festival.”

Peridot laid her guitar on the ground next to her. They both did a double take to ensure it was nowhere near the cliff’s edge. She pushed herself up to an upright position.

“Probably, but I think we needed to.”

Lapis stared intently at the waves far below them. They smashed into the rock face with a faint roar. Her jaw was tight. 

“I don’t know what happened. Why it got so bad, why I let it go--”

“Laz, it’s not your fault.”

“But--” Anger started rising in Lapis. Her fists curled.

“I grew up with Jasper, Laz, believe me, she wasn’t going to change. She was that jerk that shoved nerds in lockers.”

“If you knew, why did you leave me with her?” The acidic edge was back to her voice. 

She was beginning to wonder how much Jasper had rubbed off on her-- how many people she would push away. How many people she’d use.

Peridot had stiffened. She took a loud breath. Lapis was expecting her to jump to her feet and take off with her guitar. Instead, Peridot turned to her.

“Because Jasper threatened me. She cornered me and beat the crap out of me saying that if she caught me near you she’d kill you and then me. I was scared.”

Her gaze dropped to the scar on her wrist. Lapis knew only a little about the problems Peridot had back at home. Suddenly it all clicked in her mind. Her breath hitched in her throat. 

“Why weren’t you mad at me when you saw me?”

“I was really happy to see you were okay. I, I thought she… I don’t go to Beach City. Steven doesn’t come out here much…”

“Oh.”

Awkwardness hung between them like the gauzy threads of a spiderweb. Peridot rubbed the back of her neck. Lapis slowly uncurled her legs. She was reminded of a conversation she had with Steven a year earlier.

_“It feels like every time I see you something bad happens.”_

_“That’s how it is with me.”_

“I’m sorry, Peridot.”

“Hey, just promise me that you’ll tell me if something’s wrong.”

“Yeah, that I can do.”

They ignored the tension that had bloomed between them. Sometimes it was just easier to pretend there was nothing.

\--  
It didn’t take Lapis long to realize that Peridot flinched whenever Jasper walked into the warehouse. The door burst open; they both flinched.

Jasper stumbled in, Malachite trailing behind. Both were barely standing. The stench of alcohol hung on them, rising in sickening waves in the heat of the warehouse. Jasper staggered toward her set up, her footing unsteady. Malachite crumbled into a heap even before she hit the matting. 

Lapis could only watch in mute horror as Jasper tripped and fell face first into her old drum kit. They waited. Pulse thundering, Lapis crept to her girlfriend’s side. A loud snore rumbled amidst the wreckage.Her heartbeat slowed. She released a gentle breath as a new sense of freedom sunk in. 

“Peri… Let’s go.”

“Go where?”

“I dunno, let’s do something.”

Those wide, green eyes of hers looked lost. Her brow had furrowed. Lapis didn’t wait for a response. She took Peridot by the wrist and started pulling her away from her gear.

“She’s going to be out cold for a few hours. Let’s go live a little.”

She had expected Peridot to jerk away the instant they cleared the door. Instead, she hesitated.

“Can I grab my jacket first?” Her voice was a little squeak.

Peridot was still too stiff and formal. Her clothes were obviously hand-me-downs. Lapis just grinned at her, the manic glee of freedom fresh on her tongue.

Peridot sprinted back to her immediately, carefully stepping around Malachite. Her well-worn motojacket hung awkwardly on her thin frame. Why she needed a jacket on the clear summer night defied Lapis, but she went with it. 

They wandered the streets of Beach City, seeking adventure. Peridot didn’t talk much, but neither did she. It was only when they found Funland that Peridot found her voice.

“I haven’t been here in a really long time.”

“Yeah?”

The tiny, shy nod almost broke Lapis’ heart.

“My… They never let me do fun things. School this, music lessons that. No time to be normal.”

“Then let’s go and have fun.”

Lapis had a hard time remembering the last time she had laughed so freely. Salt-tinted sea air whipped her hair around her face on the rollercoaster and gave the boardwalk food a unique tang. Mr. Smiley had been surprisingly happy to see her-- not that she was the worst employee he had. 

Peridot seemed to be in awe of everything. Lapis was sure she had never seen her actually smile; let alone grin-- even when she was nauseous from the coaster. It felt good to be on the seaside far away from Jasper, almost too good.

At some point, they had made their way to the docks. Lapis dug her toes in the cool sand, enjoying the wash of the warm waves on her ankles. Peridot’s boots and jacket were up somewhere on a sand dune. She looked so tiny without either. 

“Hey, Laz, how come you don’t write songs?”

Lapis wasn’t sure when she got the nickname or where, but it had grown on her. It was their little secret. A secret known to just them and the sea. 

“Oh, I write songs, but… Jasper thinks that the songs that she and Malachite write are better.”

She cleared her throat before speaking in a gravelly voice.

“Bassists provide rhythm, not lyrics. Leave that to the real musicians.”

A rogue wave threatened to topple Peridot. She stumbled, but caught herself, water splashing up to her thigh.

“That’s… crap.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Peridot turned back to the water, but soon her gaze returned to Lapis. 

“I… I want to hear one of your songs.”

Lapis’ heart threatened to skip a beat. Her cheeks grew warm and it wasn’t from the warm breeze. She gave a half-shrug as she wrung the hem of her shirt. 

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Lapis swallowed, throat suddenly dry. Heat radiated in her chest. She cleared her throat. Exhaled as the nerves ate at her. Lapis closed her eyes.

“I hear it calling/ the voice in me/ can’t seem to drown it/ how I want to be free/ sometimes I can taste it/ a world where I don’t have you.”

Lapis turned as warm salt water licked at her bare calves. Peridot was staring at her. If she had been thinking clearly, it dissolved as she swept through to water toward Peridot. 

As though in a trance, her lips sought out Peridot’s. She tasted salt. She jerked away, horror flooding her. Moonlight played on Peridot’s hair and her pale, confused face.

“I, uh, I gotta go.” 

Lapis sprinted as fast as the current would allow her, huffing as she ran. Peridot didn’t follow. Of course she didn’t.   
\--

_Love’s a sucker’s game  
Can’t win for losing  
Cast the chips, hope it sticks  
But in the end you end up paying_


	10. Haunted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad that this chapter was delayed, but alas, life finds a way to ruin carefully laid plans. This week there will be a double post and then a brief week or two without a chapter so I can switch tracks for the second half of the story-- Peridot's side. 
> 
> Yes, there will be a cliffhanger. I will try to keep the ball rolling, but we'll see how well I can keep this flow.
> 
> And a song to check out that I feel fits the Jasper/Lapis mood: The Joker by New Year's Day

Lapis jolted awake. The rush of blood in her ears and the thudding of her heart was deafening; louder than thunder. She tangled her fingers into her covers, seeking a way to ground herself. Her breath came in harsh gasps. In her mind, Jasper’s image lingered, fist raised and poised to strike.

Tears pricked her eyes. She swallowed, gritting her teeth. She kept trying to find a way to regain control over herself. It just wasn’t working. She swung her legs out of bed, torn between waking Peridot or going out to listen to the crash of the waves on the cliff’s face. 

Her decision was made for her when there was a soft tap on her door.

“Laz? You okay?” 

She caught her reflection in the mirror. She was wild-eyed and disheveled. Her roots were starting to peek through the blue dye. She passed a hand over her head. Her hair stood up more. Lapis released a breath. 

“Um, why do you ask?”

“I heard you screaming. It was louder than my game… I wanted to see if you were okay. Can, can I come in?”

“I’m in my pj’s.” She offered lamely, leaning heavily on her dresser. 

Solid wood dug into her hip.

“It’ll be like a slumber party then.” 

Lapis shrugged, leaning forward just enough to open the door to take a peek at Peridot. Overlarge t-shirt and alien face boxers. She smiled despite herself and opened the door further.

Peridot took a single step in, obviously taking her time to survey the room and its contents post move-in. 

“Wow, I like what you did to the place. Looks way better than when we threw everything in there… Sorry about that, by the way. Steven got his days mixed up and Bismuth ended up working on the day we needed her…”

“Thanks. Oh, it was no big deal. I… I still don’t know how to say thank you for it.”

Peridot shrugged. The room fell quiet. They didn’t look at each other. Peridot rubbed the back of her neck.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Not really, but I know I probably should.”

Lapis blew out a loud sigh. She crossed the room to her bed, sitting on the edge. She patted a spot next to her. Peridot joined her with a little hesitation.

“Nightmares?”

“Yeah.”

“I had them a lot when I first came out here, too. But it’s okay, we’re safe here.”

Lapis crossed her arms over her chest. Her lips drew tight, her nostrils flaring slightly.

“I’m.. I’m just tired of being scared and angry. Like, I know it’s not my fault. I knew I had to leave, but I still keep blaming myself for everything that happened.”

She curled her fists, anger rising up in her. The rage burned at the back of her throat. Peridot remained still and calm, showing no signs of noticing her outburst.

“I could have done something-- could have stopped her.”

“Laz, would you have really stayed after all she did? Do you think you could have fixed her?”

The tension dropped from Lapis’s shoulders like an invisible rope had been cut. Lapis hunched over, burying her face in her hands.

“No. I-- I shouldn’t feel guilty. I didn’t deserve it.”

“She had you that scared, huh?”

Tears threatened to spill from her eyes, her breathing was suddenly harsh. 

“I was so… scared. Even when I fought back. Why… why am I even telling you this? I’m just making your life a total mess.”

“Uh, well, I thought it was kinda obvious.”

Lapis glowered at her out of the corner of her eye. But her gaze softened when Peridot frowned.

“I thought you didn’t care. That I scared you off.”

“No, like I said, Jasper beat the crap out of me and I left because of her. I would have stayed if it was just you. I… I thought you ran away from me that night.”

Lapis swallowed. She barked out a bitter laugh, still bent over in a defensive huddle.

“I kept looking for you. I kept waiting for you to come back. And then… you didn’t.”

Peridot hung her head. Lapis turned slightly toward her, maintaining the little space between them. 

“I was serious when I offered for you to run away with me.”

Lapis sniffed, wiping the corners of her eyes.

“I was scared of what she’d do. I should have run away, I’m good at that.”

Even in her dark room, Lapis could just make out the green of Peridot’s eyes. 

“You’re not running now.”

“Because this is my home.”

Peridot grinned. It didn’t hit Lapis for a solid minute. Then it hit her all at once. Her cheeks burned from the sudden blood rush.

“HAH! Another victory for the great and loveable Peridot!”

Lapis smiled. Really smiled. They were sitting just close enough that their foreheads could touch. 

“What would you have done if I ran off with you?”

“I… actually don’t know. Maybe we could have both worked for Bismuth? Maybe Pearl could have sucked it up and helped you get a job? I really didn’t think it through.”

“Well, what about now? What are you thinking now?”

Peridot looked as though she had been slapped. Lapis had a good idea of exactly how red her face had gotten. Peridot was shaking her head. 

“I’ll refrain from saying that.”

“Uh-huh.”

Peridot mumbled. Lapis leaned even closer. She could feel Peridot’s warm breath on her ear. She had to fight to ignore the chill that ran down her spine. Their eyes met. They hesitated.

Peridot’s phone buzzed. They ignored it, the gap between them closing.

The phone started playing a bouncy tune, startling them both. Peridot huffed a sigh as she pulled out her phone. She held up her index finger. Lapis frowned.

“This better be important, Ame--”

Peridot went dead silent. The air was sucked out of the room. Lapis heard Peridot exhale sharply. 

“Are you okay, Ame?”

A long pause. “Okay, be safe. I’ll let her know.”

Peridot hung up. Lapis felt the bed shake; Peridot was trembling. 

“What is it?”

“Laz, Jasper is in town. She’s tearing the place apart… Amethyst ran into her.”

“Oh god.”

“We’re just going to play it really safe. I’ll go with Bismuth to Jersey for groceries, I guess we better stay inside unless it’s important…”

Lapis watched as Peridot slid off the end of the bed. Whatever moment they had been having had passed. The warm feeling in the pit of her stomach faded away. It was going to be very hard for her to get back to sleep. 

\--

The festival had passed. Winter was slowly creeping toward them. Lapis kept staring out the huge metal doors of the warehouse. Peridot hadn’t shown up for weeks. She lost count of the days since the night under the pier. It certainly did nothing to improve Jasper’s mood whenever she’d catch her staring. 

An unseasonably harsh autumn storm hit the warehouse. Driving rain pounded on the metal roof. There was a leak not far from their equipment so they had unplugged their amps. Malachite and Jasper were arguing near the door. There was much posturing and swearing. 

Lapis curled up on the one piece of matting that wasn’t wet. She held her bass close, her eyes still focused on the world outside. She had been trying to quash the memories. It hurt to have lost Peridot. The only friendly face in the band. The only real friend she seemed to have. 

_I’m so stupid. I took a risk, and of course, it comes back to bite me. Why did I even bother? Not like I could do anything with Jasper around. I hope she never finds out or I’m dead…_

Water dripped onto her head. She looked up in time to watch Malachite go flying just above her head. She ducked. Jasper strolled up to her, fire in her eyes. Malachite grunted when she hit the ground. She was on her feet and charging before Lapis could blink.

Lapis scurried for cover, her heart hammering. She could long all she wanted, but her life was dominated by the clash of personalities. 

\--

_Can’t keep my head up  
Can’t find my strength  
Keep looking  
Keep searching  
What’s the point?_

_I’m fighting a losing battle  
I’m fighting myself  
Choking  
Choking  
Pretty sure I’m dying_


	11. Sinking Beneath the Waves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with this I take a very brief hiatus to start hammering out part two. I'm likely just going to continue under the title of Gemstone Blues, but we'll see.
> 
> Sorry this is a grim one.

Lapis awoke with a groan. Her phone buzzed once, twice, four times. She cracked an eye, wiping drool from her lips. She dropped her phone on her mattress. The second attempt was far more successful. She pulled up her messages. It was nine am and Peridot had sent her four texts.

_“Lapis, do not come outside. J is here. I called the cops. I’m holding her off until they come.”_

Shock jolted her from her half-doze. Her blood ran cold, her heart thudding. Her eyes flicked across her bedroom, seeking her few precious belongings. She considered slipping out the back door at the first chance she got. But where Jasper was, there were the Rubies. At least Malachite was in prison. But it did nothing to take the edge away. 

Lapis swung her feet out of her bed. Her eyes landed on her baseball bat. Anger drove her down the stairs, bat in hand. Her jaw was set, rage making her teeth grate. Her resolve melted when she heard a cry of pain. The bat fell from her hands at the doorway. Her legs quivered before giving out. A siren howled in the distance. The scuffle from outside quieted. Car doors slammed, an engine rumbled. Backfire popped like gunshots in the quiet countryside. Lapis stared off into space, feeling an unsettling sense of unrealness even as the door opened. 

They were supposed to be getting ready for band practice. They were supposed to play their first song together. Peridot leaned in the doorway, her breathing shallow. Her right eye was already starting to swell shut. Blood ran down her face. She glanced down at the baseball bat under her foot. 

“I’m so sorry.”

“I’ll be fine. I’m going to take a shower and some painkillers. We have the cops watching for her and her groupies.” 

“Peridot--”

Peridot gave her a sad smile as she slipped past her. Lapis watched her go, shoulders sagging. She reached into empty air, grasping for comfort and safety. 

She swore she could feel Jasper’s thick fingers wrapped in her hair, jerking her head up so that she was meeting her eyes.

_“What did I tell you about fooling around?”_

_“I didn’t--”_

_“Yeah, well, the Rubies told me they saw you and her.”_

_“But-- I didn’t mean to--”_

_“Bullshit. What does she have that I don’t? I take care of you, Lapis. I’m the only one that cares about you and you need to remember that.”_

_Tears, blood, and snot ran down her face. Her jaw trembled._

_“Jasper, it was an honest mistake. I won’t-- I won’t do it again.”_

_The smack sent her sprawling on the floor. In the background, Malachite chuckled._

_“Now you’re lying to me after all I do for you. Maybe I should teach her a lesson, make it clear that no one touches my girl.”_

_Lapis tried to raise herself on her elbows. Jasper’s foot smashed down between her shoulder blades, driving the air from her lungs._

_“Jasper-- please.”_

_“Maybe I’ll hurt her really bad, so you both learn a lesson.”_

_“Jasper, don’t--”_

_Jasper bore down harder on her, making Lapis gasp for air. She wheezed. Her fingers scrabbled for purchase on the linoleum floor._

_“I only do it ‘cause I care. I wouldn’t want her to use you.”_

_Jasper lifted her foot and crouched down beside her. Lapis cringed when her hair was pulled back from her face. She choked when Jasper brushed away her tears._

_“Malachite, watch her. I’m going out.”_

Lapis jerked back to reality, tears drying on her cheeks. She could hear the shower running upstairs. She rose to her feet, shaking. Her nails dug crescents in her palms. She didn’t feel her nails break skin. Her motions were automatic, unguided. The cap of the pill bottle fell at her feet. She dry swallowed the last of the bottle’s contents. She forgot how many pills had been left. Two steps to her bed. Two steps to collapse. The world didn’t go dark right away. And there was pain, blinding pain she never knew could exist. 

She lay on her side, slipping in and out of consciousness. She heard a voice, distant and vague. It sounded like it was coming through water. Like she had sunk below the waves again.


	12. Relay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I'm on medical leave for a few days I figured I'd do some writing.
> 
> Peridot's side is going to be way more detailed, largely because I picture her being hyper-observant and prone to overthinking.

It was highly illogical. But granted, everything was illogical. As Garnet would tell her, you could run the possibilities a million times, but sometimes things just go awry. That was becoming all too obvious. 

Peridot grumbled as she looked up from her computer. Six messages from Steven. Three from Bismuth. Two lost rounds in her game. Concentration blown, she leaned back in her chair, huffing a loud sigh. She skimmed over the messages. She grunted as she tossed her phone down. Gr-eat.

“Really? He’s bringing her a day early?”

Another loud sigh. Peridot fold her arms over her chest. She blew a stray strand of hair out of her face. Well, that threw a wrench into her plans. Or would have, if she actually had plans. It wasn’t that she hated the idea of a roommate. The Barn got lonely. It was just the suddenness of everything. The way that everything was going to butt right into what was supposed to be her safe spot. 

Steven and his causes. 

She pushed her chair away from her desk, letting it roll until it nearly smashed into the wall. She may as well make a decent first impression. 

Peridot didn’t really use the mirror in her bedroom. Her hair was always a wild mess no matter how much she tried to tame it. Pearl had tried to tame her errant locks to no avail. After a while, she just gave up. Peridot knew all too well what she would see reflected back at her. Button nose, wide, green eyes, freckles, blonde hair. Nothing very impressive at least in her mind.

She tugged on her hoodie, not even remotely fazed by the fact that it was eighty degrees outside. She checked her phone again. She tossed it onto her bed. At least there was an air mattress. And they had food. Not much, but maybe they could make it until supplies were brought up. Peridot cursed at herself for failing her driving test three times in a row. 

She gave herself a quick once over in her hated mirror. Nope, not today, her face read. 

Her phone buzzed again. Groaning, she checked her messages. Steven was almost there. Peridot released her breath. 

“Steven, you clod.”

She slammed her bedroom door shut behind herself. She slouched as she made her way down the stairs. Her posture perked up when she spent a moment thinking about what kind of roommate Steven might be bringing her.

_But what if she’s really cool? What if she’s not? Oh god, what if he brings Amethyst to live here? Then I’d never get work done! How does Steven know everyone in town anyway?_

Her hesitation waned as she heard a car coming up the hill toward the barn. Either way, she was excited for the company. Already her mind was abuzz with ideas for what to do with her new roomie. 

Peridot threw open the barn doors right as the Dondai parked in the driveway. She grinned as Steven ran to her. His passenger was sliding out of the car, even as they hugged. 

“Steven!”

Peridot paused, mouth half-open when she caught a glance at Steven’s companion; her new roommate.

“Hey, Laz--” Her arms dropped from her hug. She blinked, confusion rising. 

Dyed blue hair, tannish skin, blue eyes, lithe build. It had to be Lapis. 

“Laz, what are you doing here?”

Peridot’s heart thumped against her ribcage. Steven had already pulled away from the hug, holding up both of his hands to try to assuage Lapis. Steven was muttering something under his breath, a look of panic spreading across his face.

“And what are you doing here?”

That felt like a stab in the gut. Hadn't they once been friends? Peridot cringed. A dozen explanations cropped up in her head, but she couldn’t find the words to speak them. Panic started consuming her, even before her ears registered the thumping bass and putt of a broken muffler.

“Whoa, whoa, it’s big enough for the two of you.”

“I thought I’d be living here alone.”

The muffler popped loudly, making Peridot jerk. She peered over Lapis’ shoulder as best as she could. 

“Maybe, maybe I’ll just leave…”  
The bass got louder. Peridot could make out the lyrics coming in over the amped up stereo. An engine revved. She bounced from foot-to-foot, her blood running icy. Under her breath she swore. Her gaze darted frantically from the hill to Lapis and Steven. Back to Lapis, back down to the hill. 

Steven gently started shoving her toward the barn doors. 

“Go, hide, I’ll distract them.”

Peridot didn’t move right away. She turned to find Lapis frozen in her place, face a mask of fear and anger. Without thinking, Peridot grabbed her wrist. She tugged Lapis into the safety of a barn and hid her behind a massive subwoofer. She crouched behind an engine block. Never had she been more thankful for the studio slash junk room. 

The music stopped. Tires squealed. The rough riding car could only belong to Jasper’s flunkies: the Rubies. Peridot hated them with a burning passion. And she didn’t hate many people. They invaded personal space, were loud, picked fights, the list went on. 

“I hate them…” She mumbled in a soft mantra to help her keep her cool. 

Not being able to hear the conversation only made her anxiety worse. Peridot was finding it hard to breathe. It felt like the air was being sucked out of the room. She started shaking. Her heart hammered wildly, drowning out all other sounds. She nearly screamed when something touched her. 

Out of the corner of her eye, she found Lapis offering her her hand. She didn’t hesitate. 

They waited together for what had to be an eternity. A door slammed. A car engine roared to life. They waited longer. The engine became a faint hum in the distance and was soon lost to the songs of birds. 

Lapis let go of her hand, scoffing. Peridot tried her best to smile at her. 

“H-hey, thanks.” It came out in a little choke. 

Peridot’s cheeks flushed. 

Steven poked his head in. He wore a little grin. 

“Coast’s clear! They won’t be back here for a while…”

Peridot didn’t pay attention to what he was saying. Her gaze was still focused far ahead of her, far from Lapis. Her face still burned. It took a few minutes to convince herself to get out of her defensive huddle. She was going to be on edge for the next few days, easily. 

“I’ll stay, but I won’t like it.”

More dagger sharp words from Lapis. Peridot winced. She couldn’t exactly figure out what she had done wrong. Snorting, she decided to match attitudes. Maybe it would be easier to pretend she didn’t give a shit. (She did, she cared a lot.)

“Me either.”

She did her best to put up a front, to make it seem like the Rubies hadn’t just sent her into a panic. She thought she was doing fine, but the look on Steven’s face told her otherwise. Lapis was avoiding her eyes. Peridot tuned them out again as she tried to get herself back under control again. Her pulse finally slowed. 

“Where’s my room?”

Peridot found a word springing to mind that she immediately had to quash. Blowing air out of her nose, she led Lapis into the barn proper. Steven followed, his chipper demeanor easing only some of the tension.

“It’s upstairs, first bedroom when you reach the second floor. There’s a bathroom to the left. To the right is my room.” 

Lapis didn’t seem to be paying attention. They climbed the stairs without speaking. The instant Lapis found her room, she shut the door on both of them. Peridot sighed loudly. 

“Wanna go talk downstairs?”

“You don’t mind?”

“Nah, I just can’t stay for more than an hour. Gotta pick up Connie from the University.”

“Ouch, that’s a long drive.”

“Yeah, and I open the car wash tomorrow.”

Peridot winced. Steven was two steps ahead of her. He reached the ground floor first. She lingered a few stairs up. He used to be shorter than her. He-- a lot of things had changed.

She followed him to the living room where he took a seat on the old couch. He patted a spot next to him. She took a spot across from him. Her legs were folded under her. She played with her hoodie strings. 

“I know, this is a bit of a mess.”

“Understated.”

“Yeah, well, she came to me last night crying. She’s just out of the hospital. And, well, Jasper--”

“I know, I saw.”

“I’m sorry if this gets awkward or bad. Hopefully I can help her find a place soon.”

“It’s okay.”

Peridot didn’t look up at him. Her gaze was locked on her worn Converse. She could see her sock through the side. 

“Are you sure?”

She hesitated. A noise akin to a hiccup escaped her. She rubbed at the corner of her eyes. 

“No.”

“I’m sorry, Peri. If I could have taken her in, I would, but…”

“Lemme guess, Pearl doesn’t like her?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s gonna be okay. I think. Just awkward. It’s been… it’s been a year, I’ll be okay.”

Steven rose from his chair and crossed to her. He half-leaned and half-sat on the arm of the chair, patting her arm. Peridot sighed and leaned her head against his forearm. Steven was one of a handful of people she was okay with touching her. 

“Feelings… are inane, Steven.”

“Tell me about it.”

\--  
 _Stumbling all over  
Tripping over myself  
Got a head full of doubt  
And nothin' but questions  
Like who am I?_


	13. Source Code

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally starting to get the flow for Peridot's side of the story.

It wasn’t every morning that she smoked a bowl with Amethyst. Maybe she just wasn’t thinking clearly, or maybe she just caved under the lightest pressure. She knew the risks, but Amethyst was already there and had already lit up. She took the pipe and inhaled deeply.

“You doing okay, P? You sounded totally out of whack on the phone.”

Peridot handed the pipe over. She leaned back against the couch cushions, cradling her head on her arms.

“Yeah. I’m, just stressed, you know?”

“Don’t tell me Pearl has you redoing her website again.”

Peridot rolled her eyes as she took a hit. She shook her head as she blew out the smoke.

“That’s child’s play.”

“B treating you okay?”

“Yeah, she keeps feeding me because she thinks I’m too skinny.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t get how someone skinny like you has a butt like that.” Amethyst roared with laughter.

She spilled some ashes on the floor, leaving a grey streak. Grey on grey. Peridot laughed along with her. 

“I got lucky, okay.”

They laughed, occasionally catching themselves and regaining composure. And then they would start all over. The pipe continued smoldering. 

“So, P, I heard you had a new roomie. How do you feel about losing the bachelorette pad?”

Warmth spread from Peridot’s chest to her cheeks. And then up to the tips of her ears. Oh she had been trying to ignore that fact all night and well into the morning. It wasn’t working. 

“I don’t mind.”

“Really? But you can’t be all crazy!” 

Amethyst gestured to the paraphernalia spread on the table. Leftover pizza sat out along with the plastic baggie of weed. Amethyst munched on a day old donut.

“Since when do I do crazy?”

Peridot took a long pull from the pipe. 

“Oh, right off-stage you’re lame.”

“Says my best friend.” 

“Yeah, well, bestie, pass the pipe. It’s puff puff pass, not smoke a whole bowl on your best friend.”

Amethyst reached out her frosting coated fingers for the pipe. Peridot snorted as she handed it over.

“So how goes being Vidalia’s nude model?”

Amethyst turned scarlet. Her brow furrowed. She pooched her lips in a pout.

“Shut up, P!”

“Hah, you’re blushing!”

“‘Cause V’s a MILF.”

Peridot recoiled. Her nose wrinkled. She stuck out her tongue. She was thankful when the pipe was back in her hand. Hopefully that would make her forget the mental image. 

“So is your roomie hot?”

Peridot choked. Smoke coiled out of her nose like a dragon’s breath. Her lungs and eyes stung. She wheezed. Amethyst’s bleach bottle white hair spilled in her face as she started hammering her on the back. 

“Breathe, dumbass.”

Peridot caught her breath only to lose it again when she spied Lapis in the corner of the room. Her cheeks burned hotter and redder than they had at the question. She wheezed. The party mood started draining from the room almost the instant her new roommate entered it.

“Hey, Laz.”  
Amethyst froze like a deer in the headlights. Peridot watched silently as her eyes widened. Amethyst’s palms were up and flailing.

“Hey, hey, don’t worry--I don’t talk to her. We haven’t talked since she started… you know.”

Peridot jumped up as quickly as she could manage. Her feet moved sluggishly. She gently pushed Lapis back, keeping her touch light. Her other hand was thrown back to keep Amethyst at bay. Sweat trickled down her spine.

“Easy, Laz, it’s okay. If anyone hates her as much as you do, it’s Amethyst.”

Amethyst was the first to recover. She yawned loudly, looking down at her phone. 

“Hey, don’t worry, I got your back-- but I should be goin’. I picked up over at the Big D today.”

Peridot watched her best friend slip out the door, leaving her alone with Lapis. Lapis wore a laconic smile that was obviously faked. Peridot still held her in place, afraid to let go.

She was shocked to watch Lapis sag. She stumbled as she tried to steady the taller girl. She couldn’t think very quickly. Her best answer was to gently guide Lapis to the couch and get her to sit down. She obviously wasn’t thinking when she extended the pipe.

“I’ve got some other stuff, if you’d think that would help. Steven’s going to be over later, he’s got your pills.”

Lapis collapsed further on the couch. The old sofa groaned under her as she sunk deeper. Peridot hadn’t noticed the dark circles under her eyes until that moment. Something in her twanged with guilt. She had been trying to ignore the bruises.

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

Peridot forced herself to start tidying up the living room. She started picking up papers and arranging them. One sheet of staff paper she had to shake ashes off of. A few of the notes were blotted out, at least one smudged. 

She risked a glance over at Lapis. Lapis didn’t seem to be the kind of person to just collapse and give up. She looked back down at her mess. Her ears were growing hot.

“We’ve all been there, Laz. You, me, Amethyst. It’s gonna be alright.”

Lapis finally looked her in the eye. It didn’t last long. Peridot followed her gaze to the exposed scar on her wrist. She rubbed at it, as though trying to deny its existence. The scar was puckered. Peridot did her best to smile. Lapis looked away first. She lit the pipe, her lips a grim slash.

“Well, I’ve got some programming crap to do for Pearl. If you need me, I’ll be in my room. Wi-Fi password is on the bulletin board in the kitchen. There’s more pizza in the fridge and coffee in the pot.”

Lapis just nodded as she let go of a mouthful of smoke. Her silence was almost eerie. Peridot left her with the pipe and the ashtray, mind even more muddled after the smoke.

Her monitor glowed brightly in her dark bedroom. It wasn’t that she wanted a cave; she just didn’t want to be blinded by the sun at dawn every morning. The blackout curtains just made the room physically cooler too. Better for her computer. She pursed her lips. She wanted to take a nap instead of work, but the deadline was approaching and Pearl was becoming a royal pain. 

She pulled up Pearl’s specification email. Four pages in a word processor. Four. Less than her usual seven. She huffed as she pulled up the website and started plugging in code. Even stoned she could do the job with ease. It was just boring. An hour of work later, she turned off her monitor. Her mind had started swimming. 

Peridot shuffled to her bed, throwing herself on the messy covers. Admittedly, she didn’t sleep well the night before. Well, how could she? At first she had feared retaliation. Lapis had seemed so… livid to see her. And yet, here they were ignoring each other’s existence. She couldn’t help but wonder if she should offer the olive branch, try to be friendlier. It couldn’t hurt to try to strike up a friendship, could it? Maybe it would make her forget that stupid crush. 

She groaned softly as she rolled over. She was huddled in fetal position, ignoring her phone. If only she could shut off her brain. Her phone buzzed. She peeked at its screen. She let it drop to her mattress. Gr-eat. They finally had the furniture scheduled for delivery. And she had work in the morning. 

Peridot tugged a blanket over herself. She bundled up in her little nest, deciding that she would be ready for it later. After a nap. Alarm set, she allowed herself to doze. 

\--

The warehouse was on the edge of town. Like that wasn’t sketchy enough. The fact that the invitation came from Jasper only made it sketchier. Peridot tugged at the strap of her guitar case. Her shoulder was already getting sore from its weight. The over-large hand-me-down motojacket did nothing to pad her shoulder. 

She grumbled as she circled the building. She couldn’t find the entrance. It reeked of fish. And sadness. But mostly fish. Every step only made her more anxious and more uncomfortable for how out of place she felt. She wasn’t some punk rocker. She wasn’t some badass. She was a nerd with a guitar and a little free time. Her mom didn’t even know about the electric guitar Mr. Universe had given her a few months ago. 

I’m so dead.

She kicked a rock. It rolled, bouncing over the pavement until it rolled into semi-darkness. Peridot hesitated. Sucking in a breath, she peered into the open metal doors. Construction lights were set up around a series of eva foam gym mats. There was a drum kit, a few speakers. And a girl. The girl’s back was to the door. Peridot took a careful step forward. 

She caught a better view of the girl. Dyed blue hair, trim build. Her plaid miniskirt rose, showing off more skin than Peridot felt comfortable seeing. She blushed furiously. In her mind, she could hear Amethyst telling her: ‘don’t be gay, Dot’. 

_Too late._

The girl flopped a little dramatically on the floor. Her arms were folded and she looked a little annoyed, but she was far from completely unapproachable. 

“Hello?”

The girl was on her feet immediately. Maybe a little too quickly. She stumbled. Peridot jumped forward, rushing to catch her. She surprised herself when she managed to right the other girl without falling over. She doubted she would ever be that smooth again. They both blushed. The girl pulled away, brushing imaginary dirt off of her. 

“Uh…”

“Is this where Homeworld meets? I kinda got lost…”

The girl’s tan cheeks were flushed. Peridot’s heart fluttered. 

“Oh, yeah, then you must be Peridot.”

“That’s me!”

“I’m Lapis.”

Peridot did her best to grin at Lapis as she fought to quash down unwelcome thoughts. She tried to play it cool. And then she offered her hand to shake. If only death could consume her right then and there. 

 

By the end of their first practice, they were friends, or at least so she thought. 

\--

_Tangled up in circuits  
Wires in my brain  
Gotta delete my source code_

_Not just your robot  
Nobody’s lackey  
Gotta delete my source code_


	14. Foils

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting a little early this week because I somehow found inspiration early. Enjoy~!

It wasn’t supposed to be a hard job. It wasn’t like they were moving an entire house into the barn (though they probably could). But of course, logic usually fell through the cracks. Especially if Steven was left to plan things around his busy social calendar. The text came early in the evening. 

Lapis had slept through most of the day-- Peridot found her draped on the couch. She was snoring softly, one leg dangling over the side of the couch. Peridot had flushed nearly scarlet when she realized Lapis was wearing a skirt and less-than sufficient underwear for the way she was laying. 

Peridot took the stairs two at a time, scrambling to find a suitable pair of pants to cover Lapis up with. The thought of a blanket had completely escaped her mind. She rummaged through a box of supplies that had been brought to her on Steven’s last trip up to the barn. A pair of boxers caught her eye. That would do. 

Peridot’s throat was dry when she stood in front of Lapis. The soft snores continued. Now Lapis’ right hand touched the cold concrete. Peridot let out a slow breath. She expected Lapis to jerk awake while she slid the boxers on her. Not even a twitch. Cold sweat trickled down her spine. She panted from the effort. Her ears were burning. She swore under her breath a least a half-dozen times. 

Once she was a sufficient distance from Lapis, she chucked a blanket on her roommate. She stormed off toward the kitchen, heat coursing through her body. The fridge creaked open. Her soda fizzed. She chugged, not really tasting the carbonated goodness. The can crumpled under her hand. It was going to be a long while before she recovered from that. 

She paced the kitchen, turning tight corners as she waited for Bismuth’s call. It was going to be pure chaos. She ran through the texts sent to her by the crew. Pearl and Garnet handled the clothes matter. Bismuth handled the furniture. Steven had the food covered and a few extra supplies. Peridot had the tech covered. She blew out a steadying breath.

Her phone buzzed. Peridot stole one more look into the living room. Lapis was still sound asleep. She had rolled over on her other side. Her knees were pressed into the back cushions. Peridot chewed her lower lip as she slipped through the side door. 

Bismuth’s truck was just pulling up the hill. At the bottom of the hill was Greg’s van. Bismuth stopped at the end of the dirt trail. Peridot grinned. Bismuth emerged from the van, grinning ear-to-ear. She held up her hand and Peridot happily slapped it. 

“This is going to be easy. We’ve got the muscle and the keen eye. We’ll do the lifting if you do that techy stuff.”  
“Sure. The room’s cleared out, not that she had much.”

“Where is she?”

“Sleeping. I thought I’d have to distract her, so I have everything already set up, all she has to do is plug it in.”

“Oh look at you, miss show-off.”

Peridot shrugged even as the van rumbled up to them. 

“You finish her website?”

“Uh, no, don’t tell her.”

Bismuth smirked. Her huge fist almost knocked her off balance. Peridot hastily rubbed her arm as Pearl slipped out of the driver’s seat. Garnet followed, leaving her shades in place even though dusk was already rolling in. Pearl’s thin face looked a little drawn. Her lips were pursed in that look of suburban mom disapproval that Peridot just couldn’t stand. Before Pearl could speak, Garnet tilted up her chin.

“‘Sup?”

“Everything is set up, all we have to do is off-load everything.”

The Dondai joined them in their little line. Steven stepped out, pop-tart hanging from his mouth.

“Shorry, I got hungry.”

Peridot watched the other women grin at each other. Pearl huffed as she handed a five dollar bill to Garnet. She could only just be heard muttering ‘last time I make a bet with you’. 

“Greg isn’t coming?”

“Nah, Dad had another bridge game with Barb and Vidalia.”

Garnet shook her head. She slid open the van’s side door. She emerged with two boxes stacked on top of each other. She wasn’t much of a talker.

“Right, enough talk, we’ve got work to do.”

Peridot took the lead, rushing to open the side door that she slipped in by. She stuck her head in the door, stealing a look at Lapis. Lapis was still curled up, her snoring had stopped. Peridot’s shoulders relaxed as she held the door for the first round of boxes. 

Once the van was empty, Garnet and Bismuth got to work off loading the furniture. Pearl followed at their heels, giving them guidance. Peridot and Steven hung back, watching the trio bicker. 

“You doing okay?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to put her medications on the table here so she can have them. Is, is she okay?”

“I think she smoked too much. I forgot to tell her Amethyst buys the strong stuff.”

Steven frowned. 

“I know, I know, you don’t approve. Future first man of Beach City.”

“Just… don’t get yourself into trouble, okay?”

“Can’t guarantee that, but I will definitely try.”

Steven smiled at her as he patted her arm.

“Try to rest up, okay? If you need anything, just let me know. I can swing by after class.”

“Nah, I think we’re going to be okay.”

Peridot didn’t feel much confidence as she spoke. It took a lot to maintain a straight face.

“You sure?”

She spoke through clenched teeth. “Yes.”

“Great! Let me grab Pearl and them before they try and decorate her room for her… You know Pearl.”

Her chuckle was actually real. Peridot already had a mental note to bolt the instant Pearl asked about her website and the half-finished work. That could be put off until later.

Peridot stole one last look at Lapis. She certainly didn’t expect her roomie to sleep through the entire day, but at least she looked at ease. She smiled smugly at the thought of a job well done and mounted the stairs. Bismuth had her instructions and the plan was ready to fall into place. 

Around midnight, Peridot poked her head around the stairwell. She crept down a few stairs. The only real thing that seemed to change was that the donut box was open and Lapis had shifted further up on the couch. She considered going downstairs and checking on her roomie, only to hear a snore. Peridot frowned. 

She turned back around and snuck into her room, content to call it a night. Phone alarm set, she settled into bed, ready for Bismuth to arrive.

Except she wasn’t really ready for Bismuth when she came. She was still surfacing from sleep when Bismuth knocked on her door. It was a soft tap before she threw the door open. The sound of her door hitting the wall jolted her from her semi-doze. The squeal of surprise when Bismuth tickled her was real. 

“No, no! Ahhhhh! That wasn’t part of the plan, you clod!”

Bismuth winked, her huge hands hovering over Peridot’s ribs. Peridot shrunk in on herself, muttering soft curses. 

“Crappppp.” 

She really wasn’t in the mood to play along any more. Not when Bismuth cheated. She had already swung her legs out of bed. She snatched the nearest pair of jeans and tugged it on. 

“Quit setting your alarm to PM!”

By that point Peridot was already half-dressed. She bolted down the hallway when Bismuth wriggled her fingers threateningly. Leave it to her boss to rewrite the plans at last minute. Her shirt was almost settled in place when she heard Lapis’ laughter break out. Her heart froze and she lost footing. 

The falling feeling halted abruptly when a strong hand seized her and righted her. Okay, she couldn’t be that mad at Bismuth, not for long. Lapis’ continued laughter only made her heart flutter harder than her brief sprint. And then she realized that Lapis was laughing at her. 

Her cheeks and ears burned. 

“Wow, thanks, Laz.” Oh it was sarcastic, but not nearly as acerbic as she hoped. 

“S-sorry. Heheh.” 

The fact that Lapis couldn’t control her grin only left Peridot more confused. She wanted to be angry, but she found Lapis’ laughter far too endearing. She was almost convinced that Lapis no longer knew how to laugh. 

“Well, I’m headed off to work. I won’t be home until late. Uh, all the important numbers are on the fridge, including mine and Steven’s. Are you gonna be okay?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” 

“Do you need anything from the store?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” 

That was when Peridot’s gaze strayed. Just a slim strip of tan skin was peeking out from under Lapis’ crop top. The waistband of the boxers covered her navel. Peridot blushed. She looked away as fast as she could. She felt Lapis’ eyes on her. She squirmed.

_Not awkward at all, Peri._

Bismuth slapped her on the back. She cocked her chin at the door in the universal gesture of get moving. 

“Time to get to bismuth, Peri.”

Peridot and Lapis groaned in unison. Bismuth started pushing her toward the door. Her socks slid across the linoleum that lined the entranceway. 

“See you, Laz.”

“Bye.”

Peridot stumbled over the threshold. She paused as Bismuth handed over her work boots. Bismuth shut the door behind them with hardly a sound. By the time Peridot had her boots laced and ready, Bismuth was already at the truck. 

Her boots pounded over the gravel, sending the smaller stones flying. She threw herself in the passenger seat. There was a paperbag waiting for her. 

“I wasn’t sure when you last had a good meal, so there’s some breakfast for you. Eat up, kiddo, we’ve got a long day on the job today.”

Peridot unrolled the top of the bag, poking at the breakfast sandwich in her lap. A cautious sniff told her it was up to snuff.

“So what’s the job today?”

“You’re gonna be welding some frames for the new green house while I start setting up the foundation. After that we might have a stop to work on quick wiring gig.”

“Not bad.” 

Peridot sprayed crumbs as she spoke. Bismuth already had a can of Sugar Shock Shutdown sitting in the cupholder for her. 

“You talking about my cooking or the gig?”

“The gig, your food’s always good.”

They were quiet for a good twenty minutes. Peridot watched the scenery change from country to suburban. Small neighborhoods started to pop up. They passed a gas station with only two pumps. Their stop was going to be in a middle class neighborhood maybe an hour out from the barn. Two hours from Beach City. Her trash was neatly bundled and ready to be tossed at the work site. She sipped at her energy drink, not really thinking about anything. 

“So, what do you think about ole Blue there?”

She choked. Peridot had to smack herself on the chest a few times to get her airways to fully clear. She blew air out of her nose. 

“What, Laz?”

“Yeah, Blue.”

“Why are you calling her blue?”

“Her hair, dummy. But you’re avoiding my question.”

Peridot shifted in her seat. She focused her gaze more intently on the increasing numbers of white picket fences and nice lawns. Her ears and cheeks felt as though they had been set ablaze. She fidgeted. She unrolled and rerolled the hem of her t-shirt a few times. 

“I like Laz. Or at least I did. We used to be bandmates… and friends, I think.”

“You think?”

“We were in Homeworld together… And, well, I left, ‘cause… yeah.”

“Ohhhh, that band. I’m sorry, Peri.”

“No, no, it’s okay. It’s just been a long year since we saw each other…”

Bismuth hummed softly. She let a silence linger between them. The truck stopped at a redlight. Bismuth’s GPS directed them to make a left turn. Peridot stole a look at the map. They were nearly there. 

She took a long sip from her can. She swirled it a few times to determine how much there was left. Another sip.

“You have a crush on her, don’t you?”

Peridot spat out her mouthful. 

“Bismuth!”

Bismuth’s grin only agitated her more. She would sulk through the rest of the day.

\--  
 _I’m only just learning_  
 _Just getting my balance_  
 _Taking those steps_  
 _Tottering, tripping_  
 _Falling flat on my face_


	15. Food for Thought

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly longer chapter this week. My goal is to have the next two chapters knocked out by next weekend so that I can go on vacation and still have a chapter for ya'll.

It wasn’t often that they actually finished work early. Peridot was thankful that the day came to an end as soon as it did. Her fingers had been cramping from holding her welding torch all day. A faint headache pricked her temples. Bismuth was cheerful as ever as they drove into town to pick up groceries. 

Glaring fluorescent lights did nothing to help the faint throb in her head. She did her best to ignore the sensation. At the check out, she grabbed herself an extra large bottle of water. 

“So, in a few days we’re gonna go in and finish the greenhouse. The Wesman place should have the rest of their supplies ready for us to go in and put in the finishing touches. I know the jobs are a little slow right now, but we should see some more crop up soon.”

“I’m not worried about that too much, Bismuth. I have a couple of web gigs in between. You gonna be alright?”

“Oh yeah, you know it.”

“Well, I mean, you do have sugar mama Pearl.”

Bismuth’s laughter boomed in the cab of the truck. Peridot’s headache was slowly fading if only because of the water. Bismuth passed her a chunk of jerky as they drove along the empty state road. 

“Now promise me that you’re gonna try to at least eat some of the food we bought.”

Peridot avoided her eyes again. 

“You have a cookbook, and who knows, maybe Blue can cook.”

“Maybe.”

“You still pouting? I didn’t mean to poke fun at you, you know you’re my favorite.”

“I’m just worried, you know?”

She could feel Bismuth looking at her. Her forearms rested along the truck’s door. Her forehead was flush with the glass. 

“Why’s that?”

“She’s been through so much. And I don’t wanna overwhelm her. I was such a bad friend--”

“Now don’t you go saying that. Just because you had your own problems doesn’t make you a bad friend, Peri. Don’t go thinkin’ I’ve never reamed Pearl a new one when I had my problems.”

Peridot sighed, her breath fogging up the window. In the distance thunder arched from cloud to cloud. The sky ahead of them, closer to the barn was cloud free and clear. Sunset was on the horizon, still at least half an hour away. 

“It sucks.”

Bismuth chuckled. 

“That’s life, kiddo. You’ll figure it out. Just be patient with her, let her work out her own problems. If it could work out, it will.”

Peridot’s stomach growled. Her shoulders drooped. 

“I guess so.”

The rest of the ride they didn’t talk much. Bismuth turned on the radio to help lighten the mood.

_“This is Sardonyx coming at you from Radio Beach City. Tonight’s block includes some of the best music around-- and a little Mr. Universe too.”_

Peridot snorted. But she didn’t protest the station. She brooded, mulling over her thoughts and the advice given to her. She came to the conclusion that people sucked and love sucked more. And that she couldn’t wait to log onto her tablet and catch up with her social media feed. 

The truck pulled up to the barn. Peridot stifled a yawn as she started gathering her tool kit and their groceries.

“Now, Peri, you better make sure you help Blue eat everything we got today, alright?”

“Yes, Bismuth.”

“You put everything away and I’ll get Lapis to help me set up dinner for you two.”

“Wait, you’re not joining us?” 

Peridot paused just outside of the truck’s door. Bismuth easily held two laden reusable grocery bags in her free hand. She smirked.

“You need bonding time.”

Peridot’s cheeks immediately started burning. She had to choke back a tiny scream of frustration and annoyance. Bismuth was grinning. 

“Stop trying to set me up!”

Bismuth was already halfway to the door. Peridot scrambled to catch up to her. Her arms were sore from the weight of her gear and her part of the groceries. She couldn’t remember the last time she had run that hard. 

“I’m just lookin’ out for your best interests.”

“Bismutthhhhh!”

Peridot had to break into her best full sprint to keep up with Bismuth as she stepped through the door. 

“I… Do… Not… Need… Help.”

“You’re awfully out of breath there, pint-sized. Maybe we need to get you on a workout routine.”

“Clod.” She mumbled, huffing for air. 

Peridot stayed on Bismuth’s heels as they entered the kitchen. Her arms trembled from the effort. Okay, maybe she was a little out of shape. But not everyone could be as beefy as Bismuth. It just wasn’t fair.

Peridot dropped her tool kit near the pantry. It thumped and rattled as it hit. She wasn’t concerned about her tools; they were well padded. She was too caught up in her embarrassment to notice Lapis peering into the kitchen. Bismuth had neatly arranged her bags on the countertop. She was the first to notice Lapis entering the room.

“Hey, Blue, do you cook?”

Peridot’s blood ran cold. She was expecting Bismuth to say something uncouth. She chewed her lower lip. Instead of listening into the conversation which would likely leave her utterly mortified, she started hastily unloading the groceries and shoving them in their respective places. 

Just as she was jamming a case of energy drinks in the fridge, she heard her name.

“Peri here can’t cook to save her life.”

She made a face. Her immediate reaction was to stick out her tongue. Childish for sure, but she certainly was feeling less than suave. She turned back to the groceries, stuffing boxes and bags into the pantry. She listened in on their conversation and soundlessly gathered the cutting board, knife, and potato peeler from their spots in the drawers closet to the sink. Once she was satisfied that she wasn’t needed, she darted off to her room to grab her tablet.

By the time she came back, Lapis had just finished washing her hands. She heard her name, barely sparing them a glance. Tweeter was far more interesting than those two. 

“So how did you get my room set up?”

Peridot set down her tablet. “I planned it.”

“And?”

“We waited for a distraction. Luckily you were sound asleep. Bismuth spent the night over in the other room.”

“What if I slept in my room?”

“We would have waited.”

“Or I could have moved you, but I don’t think you’d be happy about that.”

Peridot shrugged and turned back to her Tweeter feed. She wrote out a tweet. ‘I’m surrounded by clods. Send help.’

Various kitchen noises soothed her. She forgot how good it had felt to be in a home where food was actually made fresh.

“We always help a friend in need, right, Peri?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, of course.”

Once more her eyes returned to her screen. She switched apps. 

“Don’t mind her, she was raised by computers.”

Peridot reached for a slice of bread. “And don’t let her fill up on bread first.”

Peridot’s nose scrunched. She pursed her lips. Pouting again. Stars help her. She switched apps yet again. She snorted at Ronaldo’s latest posting. Something about sentient rocks. 

“Peri, the last of our building materials should be in a few days. I’ll let you know when they get here so we can start on our next job.”

“Okay, see you later, Bismuth.”

She was so entranced in the faulty logic of Ronaldo’s post that she hardly heard Bismuth. She started tapping out a response to undermine his logic. She took a certain glee in winning arguments on the internet. 

Without thinking, she reached out for a slice of bread. She looked up when Lapis did nothing. She chewed thoughtfully. Whole grain wasn’t her favorite, but it tasted alright. She reached for a second.

“Nope, not until the food’s done.”

Peridot withdrew her hand. 

“Thanks, _mom_.” She said it as lightly as she could manage. 

When she looked up Lapis looked as though she had been slapped. She nearly knocked over her chair in haste.

“I-I’m sorry.”

“No, no, don’t be. I’d miss out-- Bismuth’s a great cook.”

Lapis collapsed into the chair next to her. She kept rubbing her palm over her face. Her body was tense, her posture rigid. Peridot’s heart ached. She waited a moment before reaching out her hand. Her finger brushed the back of Lapis’ hand. She held out her hand, palm open, her gesture as non-threatening as she could manage.

“Can I touch you?”

Lapis nodded, her lips drawn tight. Peridot gently rubbed the back of her hand before closing her fingers around hers. 

“I’m so sorry...You’re all just being so-- so nice to me. I don’t deserve this.”

“Laz, it’s okay, you’re not some kind of monster.”

“But I am! I didn’t stand up for myself, and hell, I think some sick part of me liked it.”

“Then why did you leave?”  
Lapis’ shoulders drooped. Peridot could just barely make out moisture on the corners of her eyes. It made her heart ache. She squeezed Lapis’ hand a little tighter.

“I… I don’t know.”

“I know it’s hard. But it will get better.”

“I hope so.”

“Laz, you’re safe here. No one’s gonna do anything you don’t want.”

She watched as Lapis backhanded a stray tear from her cheek. She withdrew her hand after a few minutes, when Lapis seemed calmer. Their silence wasn’t awkward. The crockpot bubbled, filling the room with the rich aroma of cooking meat. 

“Thank you.”  
\--

They had been fast friends after that first practice. By the end of their first month as a band, the two had inside jokes and their own songs. It was starting to feel kind of cozy. It was almost easy to ignore her growing crush because she was so drawn into their music. It wasn’t every day that she made a friend like Lapis.

Summer had yet to arrive and already it was sweltering outside. The warehouse barely offered any shade. There was no breeze, it was far too early in the season for a good sea breeze. The gel had run from Peridot’s hair. 

She leaned against an amp silently wishing for death or at least an icy cold drink. When she looked up, Lapis was wiping her brow with the edge of her cutoff shirt. Peridot tugged at her collar. That sure didn’t help with the heat. 

“If Jasper is a no show, let’s bail.”

“No kidding.”

“I kinda want to go home and go swimming.”

She snorted as she tossed aside her motojacket. 

“I’d rather have AC.”

Peridot had to force herself to look away from Lapis. She stared out of the rolling metal door, grumbling about the heat and Jasper’s tardiness. She nearly knocked over her own amp when footsteps approached them. 

Jasper was accompanied by a tall, lanky creature with badly bleached hair. The newcomer swayed as if to some rhythm only she heard. Her arms were decked with swirling turquoise tattoos. She had a wild look to her. 

Shock, disgust, and fear shook any and all thoughts from Peridot’s mind. She caught herself trembling just slightly. 

“Change of plans, we have a new drummer.”

Peridot clenched her fist, nose curling in a sudden fit of anger that almost outweighed her initial fear. Just as she went to open her mouth, Jasper spoke again. 

“I’m taking lead guitar, you’re on rhythm. It’s too hard to sing over the drums.”

“If you call that noise singing.” Peridot mumbled. She caught herself, flinching almost immediately. 

Jasper didn’t seem to notice. She was too busy setting up her guitar. Peridot doubted that she even knew how to play.

“Name’s Malachite, who’re you?” 

“I’m Lapis, and this is Peridot.”

Peridot shuddered under Malachite’s yellow-green gaze. Their new drummer shrugged as she oozed her way to the drum kit. Every move she made seemed disjointed like a broken puppet dangling from strings. Peridot had a sinking feeling in her gut.

\--  
 _All you do is take_  
 _And I have to keep giving_  
 _It’s like a flaw_  
 _A typo in my code_  
 _Shattering myself_  
 _Throwing it all away_

_Filling up your endless needs_   
_A screwed up dichotomy_


	16. Adaptation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may hold off on Chapter 6 until I'm back from vacation, but we'll see what all I can get done this week before taking off.

It was going to take some getting used to seeing another person in the kitchen every morning. Peridot pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, sighing softly as she took her usual spot at the kitchen table. Lapis turned away from the stove, nearly dropping her frying pan. 

“Oh hi, Peridot--- I-- are you wearing glasses?”

Peridot gingerly touched the bridge of her nose, once more adjusting the sit of her lenses. 

“Oh, yeah, I like to take breaks from contacts every now and then…”

Lapis turned back to her cooking, seemingly satisfied with the answer.

“So, uh, you like cooking now, huh?”

“I found a cookbook in the library last night and well, decided maybe I should try cooking more-- if that’s okay.”

Peridot pulled her tablet across the table, pausing before opening her apps. Since her little tour of the barn, she had taken care to wear actual sleep pants and not just boxers. 

“I won’t say no to food.”

Lapis hummed softly. The kitchen seemed airy and cozy. Peridot relaxed as she scrolled through her newsfeed. Every now and then she’d steal a look over at her roommate, wondering how this was the same Lapis that broke down when she saw the cliff overlooking the ocean. It was… nice to see Lapis happy. 

Peridot set down her tablet. She stretched as she rose, rising on the tips of her toes (not very high). It took a little rummaging to find her stash of Sugar Shock Shutdown, but she managed to snag a can. She popped the tab before returning to the table. Not long after she sat down, Lapis set a plate in front of her. At first, Peridot was hesitant to touch the food in front of her. She poked her pancake with a tine of her fork. It didn’t explode, didn’t bubble or do anything out of the ordinary. 

She used the side of her fork to cut into her breakfast. Her fork made a clean slice. There was no runny mix and the sides were perfect golden brown. Flinching, she took a bite. It tasted perfectly fine. She relaxed. Her cheeks flushed when she realized that Lapis had been watching her. 

“Err--”

“Don’t worry, I’m not offended. I had to throw out the first two. I think I got it figured out by the third one.” 

Peridot swallowed her mouthful.

“It’s actually really good, thanks, Laz.”

“It is?”

“Yeah! I can’t even get a pancake to stay solid.”

A rare smile lit up Lapis’ face. Peridot’s heart thudded against her ribcage. That just wasn’t fair. 

“No wonder Bismuth worries about you.”

Peridot took a rushed sip of her energy drink to keep herself from commenting. Her cheeks burned. She took another bite to doubly ensure that she wouldn’t speak. Lapis didn’t seem to notice. Peridot’s pulse settled down after a few minutes. When all felt calm again, she continued to nibble on her food.

“I can’t help but notice you own a lot of alien stuff.”

Peridot glanced down at her alien t-shirt. A UFO hovered over text that read ‘I want to leave’. She chewed her lower lip. 

“I just really like aliens.”

“You’re not like Ronaldo and his like, eight million alien conspiracy theories, right?”

The carbonation in her drink tickled her nose as she took another hurried sip. Her throat started burning. 

“Gah! No, no no! I don’t need evidence to believe a hypothetical--”

Lapis tilted her head like a confused puppy. Peridot slumped. She blew out a loud breath. Her glasses had slid down her nose again. 

“I… I just think they have really compassionate eyes.”

“Compassionate eyes? Aliens?”

Peridot knew her face was a bright shade of scarlet. She poked at her pancake, trying not to meet Lapis’ eyes. 

“Not all of us are hardcore punk rockers.”

Lapis snorted. She was wearing a hint of a smile again. Peridot hated her a tiny bit. Her ears were starting to go red. 

“Oh, I’m not really all that hardcore. I went to beauty school for a bit… And I really like fish.”

“Fish?”

“Yeah, like angelfish and jellyfish.”

Peridot set down her fork. She noticed that Lapis hadn’t really touched much of her own plate. There was a far-off look in her roommate’s eyes. Something sad. 

“Oh, what happened to beauty school?”

The look on Lapis’ face darkened, her eyes growing harder. She pushed her plate away.

“Jasper made me quit.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring that up.”

Lapis sighed a touch too loudly. She started to rise, extending a hand to take Peridot’s plate. The kitchen had grown too still, too quiet.

“Don’t worry about it, Laz, I can clean up.”

Lapis froze, fingers curled under the edge of her plate. She blinked. Peridot watched the weird little shift of her stance. The tension seemed to have drained from her, leaving her with a vaguely lost look.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, you cooked, I’ll clean. It worked the other night. It’s only fair. It was really good, by the way. Thank you.”

Lapis sat down, seemingly in a daze as Peridot gathered their plates.

“I’m gonna put the leftovers in the fridge, okay, Laz?”

“Mhm.”

When she stole a glance back at her roommate, she found Lapis tracing shapes with her index finger. Her finger followed the condensation left from the plates. She looked disconnected from the world. It made Peridot’s heart ache.

Peridot loaded the empty dishes into the dishwasher. She measured out detergent and set it for a cycle. One plate was stacked with uneaten food. She left it on the main shelf in the fridge without cover, figuring she’d eat it later. 

Lapis was idly swinging her legs, seemingly lost in space. 

_She’s been through so much. She seems so sad… Ugh, Peri, get a grip. You’re a mess yourself._

“Hey, Laz, how about we wrap up season four of Camp Pining Hearts?”

Lapis looked surprised to see her. She nodded without a sound, already standing to leave the kitchen. Peridot followed her and settled on the couch with a cushion between them. The TV flicked to life.

“So what do you look forward to this season?”

“Well, they keep playing up the big canoe race, so I kind of want to see how Percy handles that.”

Peridot chuckled darkly. 

“Oh, you’ll like the outcome.”

Lapis fixed her with a pointed glare. 

“No spoilers.”

They exchanged glances. Peridot smirked with the glee of being caught up on the show. Lapis rolled her eyes. 

“Like, just play the show, dude.”

“Oh my stars, was that a Percy voice?”

Lapis wasn’t looking at her. Her cheeks were flushing. Peridot very nearly squealed with delight. 

“Don’t judge.”

“I’m not! That’s just, you’re so good at it.”

Lapis wore another of her shy little smiles. Peridot’s heart all but melted. She had an overwhelming desire to tackle hug her roommate, but settled for beaming at her. Lapis gently shoved her, still avoiding her eyes.

“Stop, you’re embarrassing me.” 

Peridot still grinned. Lapis took the remote control from her and hit play, her face still pink. Peridot was still grinning at the end of the episode. 

\--

The image would still hang in her head. It was hard to wipe the sight of Lapis huddled on the ground in the middle of a full-blown panic attack from her mind. She had never expected to see Lapis so weak, so pitiful. Never thought that she’d see Lapis in the same position as she had been after leaving Homeworld. 

Peridot kept those memories locked away. She refused to acknowledge them most of the time. She tried to look past her scars. 

Laying in bed that night, she stared at the ceiling, trying to put everything in order. Life was too complicated. But the barn was safe, was warm. And slowly, Lapis was warming up to her too. 

Peridot rolled over onto her side, grumbling softly to herself. Sometimes she had trouble sleeping. Her mind buzzed and rushed. It always had, but moreso as she had reached adulthood. She sighed and switched sides. Sleep still evaded her. 

She sat up, pulling a notebook from her nightstand. She started writing. The words came easily to her. And so did the score. Her notes were sloppy and poorly organized, but she knew she had a song. Her eyelids grew heavy by the time she set her pencil down. 

Peridot was sound asleep not even five minutes later. 

\--  
 _[Taken from Peridot’s notebook, notes included]_  
 _Whoa-oh_  
 _It was just one summer_  
 _A season expanding_  
 _Into the wide horizon_  
 _Goin’ to camp for summer break_

_**DON’T USE**_   
_Peri, what the heck were you thinking? So lame, so lacking. Camp Pining Hearts deserves better!_


	17. Losing Focus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delays! Turns out vacations are more draining than I anticipated!   
> The next chapter should be up on its usual day. Maybe sooner depending on my weekend schedule.
> 
> Dumb side-fact: Peri learned song writing from Greg and imitates his style as much as she can.

It wasn’t the first time she had had that dream. It probably wasn’t the last. Peridot lay back in her bed, cheeks burning. She grimaced as she tried to clear her mind. They lingered, reminding her of just how lonely she had been-- or was. It really wasn’t fair.

_Stupid Lazuli and her pretty face._

She rolled over. Squinting, she could just make out the glowing green digits on her digital clock. She blew out a sigh and rolled onto her back. Four am. Bismuth wasn’t going to be there until seven. Peridot folded her arms over her chest. She knew that it was going to be hard to fall back asleep again. She shut her eyes and tried to will herself to drift back off. 

Twenty minutes later she sat hunched in front of her computer. Her favorite fanfic archive was pulled up on the screen and another tab was open to music. She pulled up a site on guitar tabs for good measure. She exited out of the fanfic site and shoved her chair back. Her eyes fell on the sheet of paper she had scrawled her notes on. She dug until she found the half-finished song that she had written. 

Peridot returned to her computer. She switched modes, pulling up her composition software. Inspired, she plugged away, tweaking with notation and instrumentation. She worked until her phone buzzed.

“Hey, half-pint, you ready?”

“Lemme change and grab breakfast and I’m good to go.”

“You’ve got it.”

Bismuth sounded as chipper as ever. Peridot envied her. 

The sun was blindingly bright already, the air warm, but not yet stifling. Peridot swiped her brow with her can of Sugar Shock Shutdown, nose wrinkled. Grumbling, she slipped into the passenger seat.

“You’re looking a little worse for the wear. Long night?”

“Yeah, you can say that again.”

“Something bothering you or is this a mind my own business kind of deal?” 

Bismuth’s dark eyes seemed to hone in on her. There was a soft smile on her face, that kind, almost motherly look she gave whenever Peridot had her worried.  
“It’s nothing that bad.”

“Uh-huh, but that look on your face begs to differ. Now what’s got you all tied up? You can tell Auntie Bismuth.”

Peridot nearly spat out her energy drink. She refused to look at Bismuth for a long minute. She curled into herself a little before finally releasing her breath in a loud sigh. 

“It’s Lazuli.”

“Are you not getting along?”

“No, not that.”

The soft smile was replaced by a much more cunning grin. It made Peridot shudder.

“Lemme guess, you had an unwanted dream about her and it’s making you feel all conflicted.”

Peridot swore. Her arms were still crossed, her shoulders tensed. She crammed her pop-tart into her mouth to keep herself from commenting.

“Well, Tiny, if you’re feeling that way, then maybe you should do something about it. Either that or get used to a lot of sleepless nights.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not like you and Pearl-- you know she liked you.”

“I’m sure ole blue will tell you if she doesn’t like you.”

“That didn’t work with Jasper.” Peridot muttered gloomily. 

Bismuth reached over to her. Her huge hand almost covered the top of Peridot’s head entirely. Rough, calloused fingers drug over her hair. 

“We all have our problems, pint-sized. Tell you what, I’ll show you some new wiring techniques today and teach a few new tricks. It won’t be anywhere as fancy as the computer stuff you love, but it’ll get the job done.”

Peridot finished her pastry, shoulders drooping. 

“If you think it’ll clear my mind.”

It turned out that Bismuth was right. Getting her hands dirty and shearing the rubber casing off of wires and working with electricity certainly made her stop worrying. The praise from Bismuth helped too. By the time they had called it quit for the night, she felt lighter. She could almost laugh at her dream’s rather vivid content. Life actually felt pretty good at that point. And even better, the temperature was just high enough for them to use the Smaller-Than-Average-Lake the next day. Perfection.

Peridot stepped into the Barn, smile on her face. She was ready for a shower, a raid in her RPG, some Camp Pining Hearts… A full evening. And then she heard voices coming from the studio. She lingered in the doorway, blood suddenly icy. 

She forced herself to breathe and checked her calendar. The voices laughed. One was definitely Lapis the other-- Steven. It lined up. It was Steven’s day to come up to the Barn and check in on things. Sighing with relief, she decided to pop in and see what they were up to. 

It was an interesting sight. Steven was under the control panels of the recording booth. His long legs poked out from the table. Lapis paused mid-step, eyes wide as a deer in the headlights. Peridot watched her posture change and relax. 

“Uh, Steven, I had it all set up.”

Thump. She tried her hardest to not laugh when Steven hit his head.

“Crap, are you alright?”

“I only hurt my pride. And my head.”

Peridot dropped her work bag in the doorway. Her tools rattled from the impact. She nudged Steven aside as she swung in under the table.

“I should have tidied up the cables; your dad is so messy.”

She risked a glance out from underneath the console to find Lapis staring at her. The instant they made eye contact, Lapis looked away.

“Steven was helping me set up the recording booth for me so I could work on some music again…”

Peridot grunted as she moved a thick cable. She adjusted a few wires, checking their connections. 

“Well, that’s what I figured. Not like we’re gonna start a band any time soon.”

She chuckled. That was a pretty funny thought. Half of Homeworld running off and starting their own band.   
“Well, actually.”

Her blood turned to ice. She sat up, smacking her head on the table. Hissing in pain, she scooted out from the panel. 

“Uh, what?” She and Steven spoke as one. They exchanged bewildered glances.

“Steven suggested I start another band because it might help me with my recovery. I think he may have a point. And it won’t be anything major-- I really don’t want to play any shows any time soon.”

“But what about remaining on the downlow?”

“I figured the music would stay within our little group.”

Lapis was smirking, but there was no other sign on her face to indicate she was joking around. Peridot felt as though the room had gotten a little smaller. Sudden anxiety chipped away at her.

“I-- Steven, may I talk to you?”

She didn’t give him time to form a response before she drug him out of the studio. She shut the door a little hard. She hardly waited before letting her thoughts spill.

“WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?”

She inhaled sharply. 

“Steven, you know her condition is a little delicate, what if something sets her back? What if the stress of being in a band makes her regret coming out here? What if she runs away from us?”

Steven stood in stunned silence. His brown eyes were wide. 

“Well, it’s her choice, Peri.”

“But--”

“I know you’re worried, but I’m sure Lapis will be okay.”

Peridot opened her mouth to comment, but Steven covered it. He smiled at her, eyes warm and soft.

“You’re a good friend, Peri, she’s lucky to have you.”

Lapis smiled as they stepped back into the studio. Peridot still pouted like a petulant child.

“You can write songs~” Lapis’ sing-song tone made her eye twitch a tiny bit.

Peridot rolled her eyes. 

“You like making my life more complicated don’t you?” It was a hypothetical question, it truly was.

“Not really, it’s just that your life is easy to make difficult.”

“If this is a joke…” Peridot mumbled, not ready for any other setbacks to her day. 

\--

Peridot had been ecstatic when her mother agreed to get her guitar lessons. Her acoustic guitar was pristine, polished bright as a star every night. Her lessons were the highlight of her week even if her mother wasn’t the fondest of her tutor, Mr. Greg. 

Greg was a nice enough guy. He didn’t really charge for his lessons, not that he had to. But Peridot didn’t really listen to the rumors. She was there to learn, to hone her skills. To get the feel for something that wasn’t science or math. 

The guitar’s body was almost as big as she was. Greg laughed every time he saw her holding the big old acoustic. 

“You know, you’re pretty good at this. I bet I could make you a real rock star.”

“My mother would kill me.”

“Wanna learn some guitar licks anyway? I won’t tell her if you won’t.”

Peridot looked over each shoulder, hunched behind her acoustic. She loved the golden stained wood, the weight on her lap. But every time she walked into his studio, her eyes were drawn to his guitars. The flying Vs, the Starbursts, the weird see-through guitar. She kept it hidden that she had listened to his entire discography. 

“You promise you won’t tell?”

“On my honor. Now let’s get you rockin’.”

Greg handed her the clear-bodied guitar with a grin. It was heavier than the acoustic, but solid. It felt good under her fingers. She grinned from ear-to-ear.   
\--  
 _Longing, longing_  
 _Always stuck achin’_  
 _Hurtin’ for no good reason_  
 _Cause my heart’s stuck on you_  
 _Just pining_  
 _For a girl like you_


	18. The Pool Episode

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out way longer than I anticipated, hence the late publishing date. Things are building up! I did cut out some scenes solely so I'm not redoing every chapter word-for-word. Hopefully the next chapter will venture outside of the pattern a little.

It wasn’t so much that she refused to get out of bed. It was just the fact that her phone’s weather app was telling her it was projected to be ninety degrees outside. It was barely mid-May. Peridot could already imagine the sweat rolling down her face and back. She grimaced. 

Downstairs there was a clatter. She started to move until she remembered that Lapis was occasionally an early riser. She risked a glance at her bedside clock. Ten A.M. Not so early, then. She groaned, stretching out her legs until she shuddered. She grunted, refusing to budge. 

Peridot rolled to her other side, covering her head with her pillow. She started to doze again until the scent of cooking drifted to her nose. Her stomach growled. She groaned louder, tugging her pillow tighter over her face. 

Pancakes. Just totally unfair. One last soft grunt and she crawled out of her little nest in her blankets. She didn’t bother looking at herself in the mirror. She knew her hair was going to be a mess. She slipped on her glasses before padding out of her bedroom. 

Lapis was staring wistfully out of the window when she entered the kitchen. Two neat stacks of pancakes sat on the table, and there was even a can of her energy drink set by her plate. 

She took her usual seat and popped open her morning caffeine. It really was becoming a bad habit.

“That’s really nice of you to make breakfast for us.”

“Oh, it’s no big deal. Bismuth loaned me some new cookbooks, so this is a new recipe. I hope it turned out okay.”

“Thank you, Laz.”

She risked a taste of the new pancake recipe. They were thicker than normal, but soft and light. Perfection. She was actually looking forward to any leftovers that Lapis would leave her.

“Hey, Peridot?”

“Yeh?” Bismuth would have swatted her for talking with her mouth full. 

“I don’t think I’m ready to start the band. I-- I haven’t written a single song. I know Amethyst is bringing her drums over today, but…” Her words came out machine gun quick. 

Even with her back turned, Peridot could see that Lapis was wringing her hands. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it, we can all just hang out. We did just finish filling the Smaller-Than-Average-Lake.”

“Can we please just call it a pool?”

Peridot snorted, grinning to herself. Lapis’ posture seemed to have relaxed. She joined her at the table, finally starting in on her own plate.

“No. But you just let me know when you’re ready, there’s no rush. It is your band, after all.”

“Thanks, Peri.”

They finished their plates in relative silence. Birds chirped outside of the barn. Peridot could have sworn she was already hearing the faint buzz of cicadas. It was going to be another stifling summer. 

As soon as Lapis moved to gather the plates, she clicked her tongue. She snatched up the dishes, power walking her way to the sink so that Lapis didn’t take the plates. She made vague shooing motions anytime Lapis drew near. After a few minutes of struggling to keep her taller roommate at bay, Lapis gave in. 

Peridot smirked as she filled the sink with warm water. She hummed softly to herself. It was surprisingly peaceful. They had kind of clicked into a routine, both finding some sort of comfort in the other’s presence. 

“What did you think of the Rubies?”

A plate slipped out of Peridot’s fingers and shattered on the floor. Thin ceramic skittered across the tile, barely missing her toes. Peridot inhaled sharply. She released a shaky breath before picking her way out of the blast radius. Lapis was already rising to help her. Peridot placed her hands on her roommate’s shoulders, pressing her back into her seat. She kept her touch light, but just strong enough to assert that she didn’t need help.

“Don’t worry about it. We have plenty of plates. And that one was kind of ugly.”

Lapis took a deep breath. Peridot started sweeping up the plate, humming to herself. 

“Not to pry, but you didn’t answer the question.”

Peridot dumped the fragments into the trash can, lips pursing. 

“I didn’t like them. I mean, yeah, they were an audience and they came to every show, but… the one with the eye patch was creepy. And the one with the arm tattoo scared me.”

“I thought the one with the belly button ring was weird.”

“Why?”

Peridot pulled the plug from the sink, watching the bubbles swirl down the drain. 

“She… was so fake.”

“Didn’t she, like, lose her mind when she saw Ja-- her-- touch you?”

“Yeah.”

Peridot shuddered.

“Hm.”

“Are they why you left?”

She set a plate down on the counter. It clattered under her touch. She flinched, bracing herself for yet another mess. The plate was still intact. 

“No. Not entirely, no.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t think about how you felt-- I’m so--”

“Don’t worry about it, you’re okay.”

Peridot started jamming dishes into the dishwasher a little more forcefully than she anticipated. She took a few breaths to try and steady herself.

“It’s in the past now, let’s… try not to think about it.”

Lapis made a soft noise in the back of her throat. Peridot turned, expecting to see hurt in her roommate’s face. Instead, she was smiling.

“You know, I’ve never swum in a smaller than average lake before.”

Peridot snorted, relieved when the tension fled her shoulders. She felt completely at ease when Lapis started laughing. 

“I’m making a sign for out front.”

“Oh my god.”

“Lemme call Amethyst and let her know it’s okay to bring her drums over. Maybe Pearl will stop having a heart attack…”

They exchanged glances, both trying to fight back smirks. 

Peridot left Lapis to her thoughts. She pulled up her only speed dial contact and waited.

“Yoooo, Peri-dactyl.”

“Hey Ame, it’s all clear for you to come on over with your kit.”

“Girl, I was wondering. How’s the roomie?”

“Doing good. Oh, hey, bring your bathing suit, the--”

“Just call it a pool.”

Peridot grumbled as she climbed the stairs. She thought the name scheme was brilliant. Her genius was obviously under appreciated. 

“Fine, the pool is ready for use, so let’s go swimming.”

“Don’t have to ask me twice, P. I’ll be there soon.”

Peridot booted her computer. There was at least an hour before Amethyst would arrive; plenty of time for a quick raid. Cracking her knuckles, she settled in. 

Her save file displayed her name as Clod_Crusher51. Her level seventy-three space alchemist bore high intelligence stats and the limited green man skin. She was her pride and joy. She grinned as she headed for the caverns. Only a fool would challenge her.

As it turned out, the fools were out in mass. And idiocy in large numbers meant she lost her streak and the raid tanked. She sighed as she logged out of her computer. Total wipe, but at least there were some good points. Like the dingus that used acid on their own boots. It was hard not to love good pool damage. 

Her phone buzzed and then started playing a hip hop tune. She unlocked her phone as she stood up. She ignored the jolt of pain that ran through her leg as she stretched it out. Pins and needles prickled her skin.

“Hey, Ame, I’m guessing you’re here?”

“Yep, get that skinny nerdy ass of yours down here.”  
“Rude.”

“Eh, you still love me.”

“Debatable at best.”

She took the stairs carefully, her leg still tingly and half-asleep. Every step was accompanied by a static buzz. She winced. By the last step she was walking normally. 

She found Amethyst leaning in the doorway. In any other setting it would be a suggestive lounge. Peridot scoffed, peering over at the drum kit instead. 

“So, you asked for a delivery?”

“You can stop with the porn routine.”

Amethyst grinned, clapping her on the shoulder. 

“Aww, c’mon, it was funny.”

“Not really. But points for trying.”

Amethyst responded by sticking her tongue out. She gestured to the kit and started divvying up the pieces. Her brief glance at the stairs didn’t go unnoticed by Peridot. 

Grunting, Peridot grabbed the first piece she could find. At least the snare had a stand for her to grab. It was still a tad bulky for her short arms, but she pushed through. They managed two trips before her grip gave out. 

A heavy cymbal crashed to the concrete floor. Brass echoed. Blood rushed to her ears and cheeks. Her flush only got darker when she spotted Lapis at the head of the stairs. It did help that her roommate looked disheveled and half-awake. But not much.

Amethyst was back in the doorway, smirking at her in that annoying ‘I-know-what’s-going-on’ look. 

“Told you, P, you’re not strong enough.”

“It’s weighed down somehow.” She offered lamely.

“Nope, it’s all on you.”

“That was an interesting wake up call.”

Peridot was certain her face couldn’t get any redder. She crossed out that thought, suddenly thankful that Lapis was still in her PJs and not her bathing suit. She had to fight to keep that mental image out of her head. It was worse when she realized that it was going to become a reality much sooner than she had anticipated.

\--

Peridot lingered in her room as she adjusted her bathing suit for what had to be the tenth time. Her skin was too pale. Freckled. She wasn’t fit, but she wasn’t horribly out of shape. She felt… plain? Average. 

She risked a look in the mirror. She turned, curling up the corner of her nose at what she saw. At least she had a butt. Amethyst always teased her about that. 

She sighed as she gathered her towel. No use putting it off forever. 

Amethyst was already downstairs. She ran quickly for someone with such short legs. She didn’t bother with a cover up. Her towel was haphazardly draped over her shoulder. Part of it touched the floor. She flicked through her phone, not paying any attention to the world around her. She eventually looked up at her and smirked.

“Sup?”

“Uh, not much.”

“You’re so uncool.” Amethyst playfully nudged her in the ribs. 

Peridot grunted, massaging the faint red spot from her elbow. They both stopped when Lapis started down the stairs. Amethyst’s eyes had grown wide. Peridot turned and had to fight to keep her mouth from dropping open. It would take her a while to get over those dreams. Flat stomach? Shapely legs? Cool tattoo between her shoulders? Totally unfair. 

_Oh no. She’s hot._

It was nearly dusk when Lapis got out of the pool. Peridot had admittedly spent most of the day in the daze. She had been beaned in the head with a beach ball at least four different times because of how little attention she was paying to the world around her. At least Lapis had been pegged in the head once. That made up for it. Barely. 

The atmosphere seemed to change as the sun started dipping behind the horizon. Amethyst tossed aside the ball. She settled on the edge of the pool, lips drawn tight. Peridot joined her on the edge of the pool. She was loathe to leave the water, however her empty stomach begged to differ. 

“Look, P, I know you two have history, but really, crushing on her?”

“What’s so wrong with that?”

“She’s damaged goods, P. You don’t come out a thing with my sis without issues, trust me.”

“But--”

“Dude, she’s a downer. Sure, she acts nice, but did you stop to think that, I dunno, maybe she might just do whatever my sis did to her to you?”

“Have you actually talked to her? It stands to reason--”

“Logic, blah, blah. You’re not thinkin’ with your brain. You think you’re so smart, but you don’t know what Jasper does to her exes, I do. I’m only sayin’ all this ‘cause I’m worried you’ll do something dumb and get hurt.” 

Amethyst’s voice rose a tiny bit. It felt like a slap to the face, a gut punch. It hurt.

“I don’t know what Jasper does? Amethyst, I have the scars on my wrists to show for the aftermath of what she did. For something I had no control of. I think I know what I’m talking about.”

Peridot’s gaze lingered on the scars on her wrists. Her fists curled, her heart pounded. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes.

“P, I--”

She blew out a loud sigh, cutting Amethyst off. Her shoulders drooped. She hadn’t felt that drained in a long time. Not since she last dealt with her mother. Not since Jasper. She picked herself off the pool’s edge and snatched her towel. Amethyst scrambled to catch up to her.

“Amethyst… just… go home, please?” The words stung more than anything she had ever said. 

“I’m really sorry, P, I really am. I’ll go, but know that I still got your back, okay?”

Peridot didn’t watch as Amethyst gathered her things and got into the van. She shut her phone off the instant she got into the barn. She stood in her shower stall, staring into space, heart aching, anger building. She cried instead of letting her frustration win. By the time she settled, her ribs ached and her eyes felt as though they were on fire. 

\--  
 _She keeps hoping_  
 _That one day contact_  
 _Will be made_  
 _She keeps dreamin’_  
 _Of life in outer space_

_Not from here_   
_So disconnected_   
_Might as well be from the stars_


	19. Reaching

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, a shorter chapter thanks to my ridiculous amount of commitments this weekend. I should have the next chapter finished on schedule.

It was a terribly long night. Try as she might, sleep evaded Peridot. She tossed and turned, mind buzzing. Anxiety gnawed at her mind. She rolled over. She shut her eyes. Not even five minutes later she rolled to her other side. Amethyst’s words kept echoing. She huffed a loud breath. Her eyes were sore and she could feel a headache creeping in her temples.

Around five o’clock, she texted Bismuth. She hated calling out with a burning passion but the headache was becoming a dull throbbing in her skull. 

Peridot sat up, turning to her nightstand. A single bottle of over the counter painkillers sat next to her lamp. She counted out two tablets and palmed them. She shook the can on her nightstand and was pleased and disgusted that she had left a half-finished soda next to her bed. By the time she had taken her painkillers, Bismuth responded. 

That was Bismuth; up before the sun and in bed by the time the stars were out. As usual, her words were kind and reassuring- that the day’s job wasn’t a big one and she could handle it solo. 

Peridot sunk back into her bed, groaning softly. She set her phone down only to pick it back up again. She shot a text to Amethyst despite her irritation with her. She couldn’t afford to lose her best friend. Hardly five minutes later she got a response.

>Yo, P. Sorry I was kinda douchey. Like I didn’t realize that you’d get that hurt. We cool?

>I’ll accept that, jerk.

>Love you, dude. Now I’m gonna crash. Later!

She felt considerably more at ease when she set her phone down. She rolled to her side and pulled her covers up to her chin. She fell asleep not much later.

\--

Peridot glanced down at the paint running down her leg. Red pooled out on the floor, making it look like a murder scene. Lapis’ face had paled. 

“I, um, I need to get this washed off before it sets in… You have paint, so, uh, go and have fun.”

Peridot surprised herself with how fast she ran. She cursed when she realized she’d have to borrow Bismuth’s pressure washer to clean up the trail she left behind her.

_Great now it will really look like a murder scene._

At her doorway, she paused to pull off her jeans. She gathered the legs and rolled them, carefully making a bundle to keep the paint from dripping on the floor. She stumbled over a stack of magazines, but quickly caught her balance. She swore as she picked her way through her messy room. 

Her pants made a weird plap as they hit the inside of her shower stall. Red spattered up the wall onto the tile. She sighed as she pulled up a tutorial on how to remove paint stains. She remembered that Bismuth had taught her what to do, but she couldn’t remember it to save her life. She paused just long enough to clean the paint off of her glasses. She wasn’t thrilled with the work. 

In total, it took her nearly two hours to salvage her pants and shirt. The t-shirt would still have a reddish stain on the side, but it certainly beat being completely crimson. She resigned it to a future zombie costume or scarecrow. She left her clothes draped over the curtain rod.

Peridot sighed as she put on a pair of pajamas instead of regular clothes. Her eyes roved her room. While Lapis painted, she might as well do something useful. The first thing she did was gather the empty cans from around her bedroom. Her trash can threatened to spill on the floor the instant she finished. 

Step two was throwing open the blinds and letting natural light in. Her few collector’s figurines had a thin coat of dust adorning them. She grimaced. She exhaled as she made her way downstairs to gather cleaning supplies. 

When she passed the hallway that led to the studio, she heard music. Despite herself, she smiled. Lapis seemed happy. 

Maybe life in the barn wasn’t so bad for her, after all. 

\--

Peridot had never liked Jasper. Growing up, Jasper had always been a bit of a brute, sometimes resorting to downright bullying her and Amethyst. Amethyst had always tried to pass it off as a rough patch, that their broken family just made it harder for her big sister. Naturally, Peridot had her doubts.The bullying and name-calling continued into adulthood. Peridot always dreaded seeing Jasper on campus. 

Spring was still just unfolding on the Beach City Community College campus. Peridot had just wrapped up at the computer lab. Midterms were creeping up faster than she liked. She could feel the bags forming under her eyes. She had to pause in the middle of packing up her bag to massage her temples. Long hours staring at a screen were beginning to take its toll on her. 

Her headache got worse when Jasper slammed the computer lab door open. The bulky girl filled the doorway, biceps bulging under the hem of her sleeve. Peridot did her best to stifle a groan. 

“Hey, nerd.”

“Jasper.”

“My band needs a guitarist. Amethyst told me you play. Meet us at Yellowtail’s old warehouse on Saturday. Two o’clock.”

Peridot opened her mouth. She shut it when Jasper’s eyes started to narrow. 

Jasper slammed the door behind her, ratting the single glass pane set in the door. Peridot sighed heavily as she went back to loading her bag. She was going to have to have a talk with Amethyst later. 

_Ugh. A band with her? Why me? I don’t even like her. Amethyst, you jerk._

As if she needed one more thing piled up on her. She was already dreading going home to her mother. She hated keeping secrets, but she could already hear Amethyst's voice telling her that she needed to live a little, come out of her shell. Live it up. By the time she left the lab, she knew that she was going to show up to the warehouse if it killed her. Maybe defying her mother was going to be a good thing. 

\--

_Drifting across the heavens_   
_Floating along without a clue_   
_She’s reaching out_   
_Still dreaming of_   
_Earth down below_

_Her only anchor_   
_Has a name_   
_A pretty face_   
_Still makes her heart pound_   
_Love on the surface_


	20. The Calm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're nearing the peak. Resolution is right around the corner. I'm thinking maybe four or five chapters left? Something like that. But then again the last time I said that I ended up with 20 chapters.

It was one of those things her therapist said would take time to heal from. She didn’t like complaining about her life. Sometimes she even refused to open up to others. Only Bismuth, Steven, and Garnet knew what happened-- and she was completely fine with that. Amethyst was right when she said that Jasper left scars on everyone she so much as crossed paths with. She just did her best to suppress it. 

Peridot was still awake when a storm rolled in. Thunder rattled the windows. Just a few years earlier, the storm would have sent her cowering under the blankets. She flipped a page in her journal, wrinkling her nose. Her desk light was relatively dim compared to her overhead lights. It cast a faint yellow glow on her paper.

Her journal included a flowchart that started with her mother. Lines connected with her various bullies, to her few friends, to the things she cherished, and the things she was good at. To an outsider it was a jumble of nonsense. 

She connected another line and paused thoughtfully. The cool plastic of her pen tapped against her lips. Her gaze strayed to the new painting hanging over her desk. Lapis had finished it two days earlier. 

Her eyes traced the vivid purple swirls of the galaxy. A little green man in the center held its elongated fingers in a heart shape. Its eyes were so soft, so endearing… 

A tear pricked the corner of her eye. She hadn’t expected a gift from Lapis, especially not something so personal. She had cried after Lapis gave it to her-- but in the privacy of her room. 

Peridot clicked her pen shut. Her eyelids were drooping. Thunder rumbled in the distance. The bright, neon green digits of her alarm clock read four A.M. 

She had nightmares. She tossed and turned, but never seemed able to pull herself back into the waking world. 

Jasper’s voice rasped, haunting her even a year later. In her nightmares, Jasper was taller, bigger. Broad as a house, muscles bulging, amber eyes glowing with rage. The Rubies’ laughter echoed all around her. 

In her sleep she jerked as though struck by one of Jasper’s huge fists. Her breath hitched, her face twitching and contorting. 

Back in the dream, Jasper loomed over her, impossibly tall. A mountain of a woman. She lifted Peridot as though she was a feather. Her face was etched with disdain, eyes narrowed. Peridot struggled under her grasp. Instead of five of the Rubies surrounding her, they stretched on like an army. 

“Pathetic. What’s a little runt like you think you’re doing any way? Trying to steal my girl?”

“N--no.” Her voice was a tiny squeak, barely audible over the hum of the chattering Rubies.

The alleyway where Jasper had cornered her had expanded. Red stone stretched far above them. 

“Liar!” 

Jasper drove her back into a stone wall. Peridot gasped for air. 

“Bu--”

“I ought to kill you for touching what’s mine.”

Jasper released her grip. Peridot hit the ground, her lungs burning. She tried to push herself up into a sitting position but everything hurt. She had lost count of how many times they had hit her. Jasper had turned to walk away, bleached hair swaying in the breeze. 

How she pivoted on the ball of her foot so quickly was beyond Peridot’s comprehension. The kick drove what little breath she had from her entirely. She retched, clutching her stomach. The canyon was gone. It was just her, alone in the alleyway, tears streaking her pale cheeks. She heard her mother’s voice. 

“And what do you know about life?”

“Apparently more than you, you clod!”

Her dream skipped over all of what happened between the fight and her being kicked out. She kept seeing her mother’s disappointed face over and over. And the anger. 

She was in a bathroom. Cool tile all around her. She didn’t have words for the emotions that swept out from her and spilled into the bathtub. She couldn’t comprehend the world around her; it was all to surreal. The scene was too bright, too hazy. Somewhere there was a siren. 

Peridot woke with tears rolling down her cheeks. Her breaths came in wheezy gasps. The tears started as a slow trickle and became a deluge. Her face was warm and splotchy. She could only manage tugging the covers up higher. 

She fell back asleep again some time later. 

Jasper was back in her dream. Still looming, her presence blocking out the sun. Then there was a wave. A surge of water like a wall smashed into her bully. Peridot picked herself up when the warm water swept over her feet. The current didn’t drag her down as she expected. 

A bird circled over head. She swore she heard it say her name in a familiar voice. The air felt different there. The canyon had returned, but it didn’t feel as desolate. 

Peridot didn’t know how the dream ended, but she knew she woke up feeling better. Her alarm read noon. Her stomach growled. Her stretch started at her toes and worked its way all the way up her back. Sighing contentedly, she rolled out of bed. Something about that second dream put a little bounce back into her step. 

Lapis wasn’t in the kitchen when she got downstairs. Peridot grabbed herself a poptart and a can of Sugar Shock. She mulled over her breakfast. Step one. Find Lapis. Step two. She didn’t have a step two. What exactly did she even have planned? 

She gave up attempting to figure her day out. Plans were for Pearl. And Garnet. And anyone with an actual social life. She checked her phone. The weather was going to be fair, clearer after the storm. The night was going to be balmy and calm. A perfect night to take her guitar and her notebook out on the ridge. 

Peridot spent the rest of the day at peace. She was content. The only time she really saw Lapis was when they had lunch together. Her roommate was covered in paint and seemed surprisingly chipper. They both were in agreement that it was a good day. 

Twilight came and Peridot took that as her cue to gather her notebook and guitar. She had practiced her song a few times, but never tried the lyrics. She figured outside she wouldn’t have anyone to judge her-- and it would make sure that Lapis had peace as she painted or sculpted-- or whatever it is she did in the studio. 

The grass was a little damp as she trudged up the hill. She huffed under the weight of her acoustic guitar. She made a note to herself that she really and truly needed to work out. The thought did not please her in the least. Either way, there was a mild burn to her limbs from the strain. But it felt good. Really good. 

The sea air was the perfect temperature. Not too hot, not too cool. The ocean was calm as far as the eye could see. Dusk painted the water in shades of pink and orange. The clouds were fluffy and soft. Perfect. 

Peridot settled in at the cliff’s edge, hefting her guitar onto her lap. She started with a few warm ups. Her fingers traveled the strings. Before Lapis had come to live with her, she hadn’t touched her guitar in over a year. She had forgotten how much she missed the warm tones of the acoustic. Forgot how good it felt to write music and get her feelings out on paper.   
Slowly she worked her way through the chords. Her hand started relaxing, her mind cleared. She could picture the notes she had written, the staff paper clear as day in her mind. C minor. She played, losing herself to the moment. 

_Fathoms of mystery_   
_Darkness behind your eyes_   
_Heart deep as the sea_   
_The pain behind that silver pane_

_Ohhh Lapis Lazuli_

_Drownin in you_   
_Pulled under your current_   
_Can’t breathe, but I don’t care_   
_‘Cause your kiss is better than air_

It wasn’t a long song. But she never really did write long ballads. They always felt so stuffy to her. Content, she let her fingers rest. She could already feel the blisters forming on the pads of her fingers. 

“Nice song.”

Peridot had to resist the urge to chuck her guitar off the cliff’s edge. She was part way through the motion when she realized that her guitar’s strap was around her shoulders. Her cheeks stung from the sudden rush of blood. Her heart hammered her rib cage-- she wasn’t sure if it was from the shock of seeing Lapis or from her song’s subject. She floundered for a good response. And then the rest of the shock hit her. 

Her head spun and she clutched at her chest. She had nearly fallen off the cliff and here she was more embarrassed about her song. Garnet was right about her having her priorities a little mixed up. 

“S-sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Oh my stars.”

She laid back on solid ground, scooching herself as far away from the cliff face as she could manage. Vertigo made her head spin. 

“If it helps, I would have caught you.”

Peridot cracked an eye open. The spinning of her personal world had slowed a little. The thudding of her heart, however, did not.   
“You liked it?”

“Yeah.”

Peridot grinned. 

For a moment there was just the sound of the waves and crickets. Their corner of the world seemed so quiet, so peaceful. The full moon had settled overhead, leaving a huge white blur on the surface of the water below them. Peridot wished the moment would never end.

\--  
There weren’t many moments in her brief life that she wished she had a pause button on. Or something that would allow her to watch or relive the moment over and over again. She longed for the waves crashing into her calves and the sand between her toes. The moon overhead and Funland behind them. 

Their laughter buzzed in the air. There was a spark, a glow between them. Standing there, calf-deep in the water, Peridot felt alive. She felt as though she could take on the world. 

And the Lapis began to sing. The spark jumped into her blood, surging. Her heart fluttered wildly, her mouth hung agape. She could only stare as Lapis stepped through the waves to her. Her heart felt as though it would stop when she felt the press of soft lips against hers. She desperately yearned to melt into the kiss. Wanted to kiss back and forget the world. 

It just wasn’t in the cards.

\--

_Holding on to that thing_   
_That last kiss_   
_That last touch, good-bye_   
_Sinking in sadness_   
_Keeping you in my memory_

_This one chance_   
_This one night_   
_Holding on to it like a_   
_Lighthouse on the_   
_Stormy sea_


	21. Hope is...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it turns out I can't count. Next chapter is the big one. And then the following chapter will merge together the timelines and give us the chapter we've been waiting for.

It was just another day. Bismuth pulled up in her truck at precisely seven A.M. As usual, Peridot found a wax-paper wrapped breakfast sandwich waiting for her as well as a can of Sugar Shock Shutdown. She settled the cooler at her feet; it was due to be an absolute scorcher.

“So our goal today is to get this gig wrapped up before four. It’s gonna be hotter than a forge out and I don’t want to have to detour to the hospital ‘cause one of us passed out.”

“Got it.”

“You brought plenty of water, right?”

“I can barely carry the cooler, it’s so heavy.”

“That’s not reassuring, pint-sized.”

“H-hey!”

Bismuth grinned at her as the pickup rolled down the hill. Peridot stole one last glance back at the barn. She was a tiny bit envious of how Lapis was able to sleep in while she had to brave the heat. She nibbled at her breakfast as they got on the road. 

The fields that they passed were bright green. Every now and then she caught sight of a hint of yellow; fresh corn. It looked like it would be a good harvest year. She knew all too well that very soon she would be hating the sight, smell, and taste of corn after her crops finished growing. 

“So, how are you and ol’ Blue doin’?”

She blinked, suddenly pulled from her thoughts. She took a long pull from her can, lifting her shoulders in a shrug.

“We’re doing alright. Oh, she says thanks for the coveralls. I don’t think I had the chance to tell you that last time.”

She didn’t mention the fact that Lapis only wore the coveralls to protect her lower half. It still made Peridot blush to think of her painting dressed in baggy coveralls and a sports bra. 

“Hmm, you sure you’re good? I know how a few weeks ago you were telling me about the little spat you and Amethyst had.”

Peridot crumbled her wax paper before tossing it into a plastic shopping bag. 

“Yeah, I’m sure. Amethyst apologized. We’re good.”

Bismuth made a soft humming noise as they rolled up to a stop light. The truck rumbled, its diesel engine purring. The GPS mounted to the air vents showed that they were a good twenty minutes away from their worksite. Another residential gig. 

“Hmm. You’re still crushing on her, aren’t you?”

Peridot’s cheeks burned. She wished that aliens would abduct her or that the seat would open up and swallow her. She had no such luck. She huffed. 

“Y-yeah.”

“And you haven’t talked to her about it?”

“No.”

The truck growled as they picked up speed. Peridot wondered if Steven’s cat Lion was named after the truck.

“Is there a reason you’re still hesitating? Cause you two seem thick as thieves to me.”

Peridot folded her arms across her chest. She slumped in her seat, lips pursed.

“How the heck do you tell someone that you like them? She heard my song and everything.”

She sucked in a breath before continuing. 

“We kinda talked about what happened before, you know, the whole pier thing I told you about. But… It feels like we didn’t really figure anything out.”

“Do you think she’s avoiding you?”

“No. She didn’t get mad when we brought it up. She just seemed, I dunno, sad.”

When they pulled up to the house, Peridot was more anxious and wound up than she was before they set off for the job. She desperately wanted to pull on her welding mask and jump right into work. Anything to clear her mind.

“Hey, small fry.”

She glanced at Bismuth out of the corner of her eye.

“It’ll work out. I’m sure she just doesn’t know how to go about dealing with those feelings. I’m pretty sure she likes you. Ol’ Blue doesn’t like many people. That and she’s got this little smile that she uses only around you.”

Peridot released her grip on the door handle. 

“She does?”

“Yeah. It’s real small, like she’s hiding it, but it’s there. In a way, she’s kinda like Pearl. Hard to get to come around, but once she’s used to you, she opens right up.”

That took a little of the weight off of her shoulders. Not enough to make things easy, but enough to get her mind to stop its incessant buzzing. 

“How is Pearl, anyway?”

“Better now that you finished her website. You sure you wanna continue doing the dirty work with me, ‘cause I know someone that could get you a job in the tech field. You’re getting real good with your coding.”

Peridot had to shove hard to get the door to swing open. She wondered if the door was heavy or if she was just weak. She was completely ready to settle for the latter. At least until Bismuth grunted as she pushed her own doors open.

“Actually, I really like working with you. It… feels nice.”

She caught the faint look of worry that crossed Bismuth’s face. It wasn’t as harsh as her mother’s look of disappointment. 

“Just as long as you’re happy, pint-sized. That’s all that matters to me.”

“I’ll let you know when I need a change.”

Peridot picked up the cooler and her tool bag, straining under the weight. Maybe the first change was getting herself to the gym. Career matters were worries for another day.

\--

Peridot was more than thankful for the Smaller-Than-Average-Lake when she got home. She swam, lost in her thoughts for a few hours. Eventually, Lapis ventured out to tell her dinner was almost ready. As she toweled off, Peridot mused over how they had settled into a routine. How oddly domestic their life was. 

They ate. Peridot cleaned up the dishes and set the dishwasher to run. They watched Camp Pining Hearts. Peridot put the clean dishes away. They said goodnight and parted for their own rooms. It was the same routine every day. And it was oddly comforting. 

Peridot sat behind her computer screen, staring at her stat sheet. The numbers had started to blur together. She nearly cleared out her MP cache. Sighing, she leaned back in her chair until it creaked. It was the middle of the night. She should have been asleep. She should have been dreaming, but yet, sleep was continuing to evade her. She didn’t feel too bad for having lost a lot of sleep over a few days. A shout jolted her out of her daze.

Her chair crashed to the floor as she sprang into action. She stumbled in the semi-darkness, not caring that she was clad only in a t-shirt and a pair of boxers.

“Hey, Laz?”

She leaned against the door, waiting for a response.

“Yeah?”

“You okay?”

“Um…”

" I heard you screaming. I just wanted to see if you’re okay. Can, can I come in?”

“I’m in my pj’s.” 

Peridot shifted her weight from one foot to the other. She was preparing to head back to her room. She heard a soft sigh from the other side of the door. The door swung open just a crack. Lapis peered out of the crack. Her blue hair was a disheveled mess, her eyes heavy-lidded. Peridot relaxed when Lapis opened the door the rest of the way and ushered her in. 

Her eyes swept the room. It was surprisingly tidy. A few framed pictures hung on the wall. It wasn’t Pearl-standard clean, but it was nice. Cozy. It made Peridot want to rush back to her room and finish her deep clean. 

“I like what you did to the place. Looks good.”

“Thanks.” 

Lapis had taken a seat on her bed. She tapped at a spot by her side. Peridot sat down close to her, but not precisely next to her. For a long moment, it was quiet between them. Peridot rubbed at the back of her neck while she studied a poster on the wall. 

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really, no, but I guess I should.” 

“Nightmares?”

“Yeah.”

“I get them a lot too. But it’s alright, you’re safe here.” 

Peridot waited. She had quickly discovered that it was best to let Lapis make the first move. Lapis crossed her arms. She crossed and uncrossed her legs before sighing loudly. 

“I’m… I’m just-- I’m just tired of being angry and scared all the time. Like, I knew I had to leave, but here I am still blaming myself for something I couldn’t control.”

Peridot watched as she tensed. She was probably one of the only people that could read Lapis’ moods. Perhaps someone else in her shoes would have trembled or flinched. She knew well enough that Lapis wasn’t going to hurt her. She kept her cool. 

“I could have done something-- I could have stopped her.”

“Laz, would have stayed after all she did to you? Do you think you could have changed her?”

The tension dropped from Lapis’ shoulders. She cradled her face in her hands. Peridot’s heart sank a little. 

“No. I-- I shouldn’t feel guilty. I didn’t deserve any of it.”

“She had you that scared, huh?”

Peridot flinched when she heard the hitch to Lapis’ breathing. The tiny little give was usually the only warning before tears started rolling down her cheeks. This time, in the dull lamplight, there wasn’t a tear.

“I… was so scared. Even when I fought back. I-- I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this. I’m just making a mess of your life.”

Peridot moved a little closer. She didn’t stretch out a comforting hand or make a move. She had learned patience. 

“I, uh, well, I thought that much was obvious.”

She frowned when she caught the dark look crossing Lapis’ face. But as quickly as her eyes hardened, they grew soft again. It wasn’t a look of resignation. 

“I thought you didn’t care. That, I dunno, I scared you off after the whole thing on the dock.”

“No, like I said, Jasper and her goons beat the crap out of me. I would have come back if I wasn’t so scared of her. I thought you ran from me ‘cause I was me, you know?”

Lapis barked out a harsh laugh. She was still huddled in her defensive position, but there was a slight difference. She had inched closer.

“I--I kept looking for you. Waiting. But you never came back.”

Peridot studied her feet, brow creasing. Her lips drew into a tight line as her gaze fell on the scars on her wrists. 

“I wasn’t kidding when I offered for you to run away with me.”

Lapis had moved a little closer to the point that their thighs nearly touched. Peridot watched her out of the corner of her eye. 

“I was scared of what she’d do if she found me. Guess I should have just run. I’m good at that.” Her tone was flat and laced with bitterness. It made Peridot’s heart ache.

“You’re not running now.”

“That’s because this is my home.”

Peridot crowed with delight. It took Lapis a moment for her brain to process what she said. Peridot’s face quickly began to ache from grinning. 

“HAH! And that’s another victory for Peridot the great and loveable!”

They smiled at each other, laughing as though neither of them had felt tension before. That their pasts weren’t weighing on them. Their foreheads brushed. 

“What would you have done if I did run away with you?”

“I dunno, I didn’t really plan anything. We could have gotten a job with Bismuth, or got Pearl to suck it up and help us.”

Smooth. Real smooth. 

Peridot’s cheeks burned. She could feel the heat traveling up to her ears. 

“Yeah? Well, what about now? What are you thinking about now?”

Peridot jerked away as though she had been slapped. The flush spread to her chest and made her squirm. She shook her head quickly.

“I’ll refrain from saying that, thank you.”

“Uh-huh.” 

They were close enough that Peridot could kiss her. Her lips brushed the shell of Lapis’ ear. Just as they leaned in to close the gap, her phone buzzed. She ignored it. Peridot shut her eyes in anticipation when the buzzing was replaced by a bouncing tune. She sighed, holding up her index finger. 

Amethyst never called that late without a reason. Lapis wore a pouty little look, which only served to make her heart flutter. 

“This better be important, Ame--”

There was a laugh. A sound that had haunted her nightmares. The air was sucked from her lungs. The warm, fuzzy feelings that had flooded her drained. Her heart threatened to stop. The laughter faded into the distance. On the other line there was a harsh wheeze.

“Ame, are you okay?”

There was a long pause. She heard Amethyst groan and spit. 

“P, you gotta be careful. She’s trying to find you and Lapis. Like, I don’t want anything to happen to you-- I’mma call Garnet, have her set up patrol. I, dude, I’m so sorry. I-- I, I’m gonna go to a clinic, get patched up.”

“Please, be safe. Don’t go to try to get even with her. I-- I’ll let her know.”

Lapis had frozen as she spoke. She kept a polite distance, but worry was etched across her face.

“What is it?”

“Laz, Jasper’s back. She’s tearing the place apart. Amethyst ran into her…” She left out the part that Jasper was looking for Lapis. 

“Oh. Oh god. No.”

Whatever moment they had been having passed. Peridot slid off the bed, heart hammering. Her pulse was deafening. Neither of them would sleep well that night. 

\--

The Barn itself didn’t really have any ambient noise. Every now and then there was the hum of the air conditioner or the heater in the winter. The concrete walls usually quashed any other outside noise. At first, it was eerie and alien to Peridot. Her first week was chock full of nightmares. 

That first week, she always had company. Even that first month. Amethyst was always there. As was Steven. Even Pearl and Garnet spent time with her. They all fussed over her, checked her bandages regularly. The Barn quickly began to feel like home. 

By the time she was living on her own, she was comfortable. Bismuth had shown her how to arm the security alarm. Garnet had taught her how to keep a level head in an emergency. Pearl taught her self-defense. Steven, well, he taught her how to motivate herself and how to stay positive. Amethyst kept her calm. She didn’t feel as alone out there on the countryside. 

Out there, it was easy to forget how much she had hurt in the past. In the Barn, her wounds had time to heal. And more than anything, the thought of losing it scared her. 

\--  
 _Got that feeling in my gut_  
 _walls are closing in_  
 _Can’t get out of my head_  
 _Feel the tightening in my chest_  
 _Oh paranoia_

_Taking over me_   
_The things only I can see_


	22. Storm Front

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it looks like next week's chapter will be our last chapter. It's going to be an extra long one-- the two timelines are going to converge.

It wasn’t the first time that her world had come crashing down around her head. She thought she would be better prepared the second time around. She truly thought she had the maturity to handle anything that life threw at her. 

Peridot stood under the stream of her shower, watching blood circling the drain. Her lip was split, her right eye swelling. She’d have a nasty shiner before long. It hurt to breathe. It was funny how history had a habit of repeating itself. But this time, she did have an advantage. 

Back then, Jasper had her cornered. Her gang of Rubies had boxed her in at the back of an alley. There was nowhere to hide. Malachite had grinned as she cracked her knuckles. She had begged for mercy. Absolutely pleaded. She had tried to hide the bruises, but there was really no way. It was even harder to cover how she could hardly bend due to cracked ribs. The first few days had been the hardest. She had never fought a day in her life.

This time…

The sun had only just peeked out of the clouds. Bismuth was uncharacteristically late. Peridot glanced down at her phone. No new messages. No missed calls. Full four bars despite their location. She decided to distract herself by skimming the top of the Smaller-Than-Average-Lake. It was kind of soothing to hear the splash of the skimming tool in the water on that still summer morning. It never really occurred to her that the birds weren’t chirping. 

She set the tool down, wiping sweat from her brow with her forearm. It was going to be a scorcher if the rain didn’t come. And even if it did, it was still going to knock the wind and energy out of anything that dared go outside. 

Peridot checked her phone again. Still nothing. She pulled up her contacts. The line rang. No immediate answer. Definitely not like Bismuth. Three rings. Peridot turned to the door, ready to go inside and give up. There was a rumble on the hill. 

Her blood ran cold when she realized it wasn’t the usual steady rumble of Bismuth’s pickup. It was more of a growl followed by the squeal of tires. She ended her call, quickly pulling up Garnet’s number. Her breathing was shallow and fast. Her eyes shot to the door. Locked. Lapis would be safe.

Garnet picked up, but didn’t answer, waiting for her to speak first. She always had an unusual sense for when something was off.

“Jasper. She’s here. Lapis is safe inside-- haven’t heard from Bismuth. Please-- Please come.”

She hardly heard Garnet over the thudding of her heart. Her pulse threatened to break the sound barrier. She trembled. The line disconnected just before the sports car crested the hill. Shiny red, and probably the best maintained thing Jasper owned.

She shot a warning text to Lapis. Or tried to. It took several attempts to make a coherent message with her shaking hands. Her phone hit the ground when Jasper slid out from the driver’s seat. She felt like a rabbit caught in the path of mountain lion. 

Her blood screamed. Fear and anger fought for control of her. Her fists curled instinctively. She wasn’t a fighter, but she would not let anything happen to Lapis. Not again. Twenty minutes. That’s all she had to last. Twenty minutes and Garnet would be there. 

Jasper grinned at her, a razor smile. A shark’s smile. Being on the run did nothing to change her bulk. If anything, her build seemed rangier. Her massive fists curled. Her amber eyes were wild, the same far-off look that Peridot had seen in Malachite. 

“Where is she, runt?”

“I don’t know.”

She gritted her teeth. One step forward. She kept her back to the door, her face as hard as she could manage. She knew she wasn’t imposing. She was all of one hundred and twenty pounds to Jasper’s two hundred. 

“You got guts, kid. Lyin’ to me.”

Jasper loomed over her, smaller than in her nightmares but terrifyingly real. Peridot could hardly breathe. She stood steady, ready to fight. 

“I said, I don’t know where she is.”

“Liar!” 

Jasper lunged for her with surprising speed. Peridot ducked under outreached arms. She was suddenly thankful for being under five foot five. Jasper regained balance fast too. She whipped around, huge fist arcing toward her. The blow barely connected, but was still hard enough to knock the breath out of Peridot. 

She stumbled away from the huge fists. Peridot sucked in a breath, raising her fists again. She was shaking horribly. She could barely remember what Pearl had taught her. The world was moving so slow. So painfully slow. 

Jasper lunged, she dodged. Wildly swinging arms came for her. Peridot tried to keep out of the way. She kept her fists close to her chest, saving her strength. Fear had her dancing just outside of Jasper’s reach. 

And then she slipped. Jasper’s huge fist caught her on the edge of her right eye. Peridot stumbled back, clutching her face in sudden shock. She reeled in pain, dizzy from the strength of the blow. Anger welled up in her, the kind of rage she didn’t realize she could feel. She swung with more power behind her fist than she anticipated. The rain of blows didn’t stop until her fist connected with Jasper’s jaw. 

There was a godawful clatter of her teeth clashing. Jasper staggered back, spitting blood on the ground. There was murder in her eyes. Whatever rush Peridot had felt upon landing her one punch fled her body. She braced herself for the worst. Her lip split from the force of Jasper’s blow. She wobbled on her feet, balance failing her. 

And then there were sirens. They were racing towards them, rushing up the hill. Peridot’s shoulders sagged in relief. She squinted through her swelling eye. 

“It’s over.”

Jasper’s fists dropped. Her amber eyes were wild, rolling toward the hill. She growled as she turned back to her sports car. 

“If I ever see you again, punk, you’re dead.”

“I’m not scared of you.”

Peridot swayed on her feet. The rush that had kept her moving was rapidly fading away, leaving her in a daze. She watched as Jasper whipped her car around, spraying dirt across the Barn. She knew that Jasper wouldn’t get away with it, not for long at least. She felt lighter as she drifted toward the Barn. 

Her phone’s screen was still intact. Bismuth had called. But she had also texted. She had plenty of time to clean up and take some painkillers. She was still in a daze as she stepped into her home. 

Lapis was waiting for her. Her eyes were wide with terror, her usually tan face pale. 

“Don’t worry, Garnet’s gonna catch her.”

“But you’re hurt.”

“I’ll be okay. I’m gonna take a shower and get ready for work. It’s-- it’s going to be alright.”  
Lapis reached for her, but Peridot kept her distance. She didn’t want to get blood and dirt all over Lapis-- nor did she want to feel the ache of her new bruises. 

“Peridot--”

She smiled at Lapis as she passed. Sure, she ached all over, but she felt good about herself. Felt good about life. 

\--  
Peridot didn’t want to step out of the shower. With the adrenaline no longer buzzing in her veins, the world seemed to move so sluggishly. Pain made it hard for her to move. 

There were fresh bruises on her ribs. She couldn’t open her right eye. The cut on her lip had closed, though. That was a start. She didn’t look the same as the last time Jasper had beaten her up. She didn’t look as bad, as shaken. Not that she looked like a prize-winner. 

Her phone buzzed. She glanced down at the screen, foggy from steam. Bismuth had arrived. She shot a quick text. A moment later she heard the Barn’s front door open. 

She sighed. She was already dry. Tugging on pants and a shirt was a real chore. Everything hurt. She groaned. Another text. She ignored it as she slipped on her work shoes. A second text. Then a third. Then Bismuth’s voice calling her from on the second floor. She stumbled out of her bedroom, toward the source of the noise. 

Her pulse was pounding. Bismuth never yelled, never raised her voice. The haze around her mind returned, fogging her judgment. Clouding the reality of the situation. She felt even more disconnected when she saw Bismuth standing over Lapis. When she saw the empty pill bottle on the floor. 

She heard Bismuth curse in the distance. It sounded like she was far, far away. Peridot hit the floor. She couldn’t handle the stress, couldn’t handle the sight before her. She fainted. 

\--  
 _Losing my grip_  
 _On everything that matters_  
 _You’re too far out of sight_  
 _Reaching out_  
 _Trying to find dry land_


	23. When the Dust Clears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have read this far. You guys/gals/nonbinary pals are the true MVPs. 
> 
> I hope this chapter lives up to all you could hope for.

Lapis wasn’t entirely sure what she felt. Yes, she was coming home, yes, she did feel better. But anxiety still gnawed at the edges of her mind. She knew she could have handled things more maturely. And above all else, she felt guilty about the mess she had left Peridot with. 

In all honesty, she was more prepared to deal with Peridot telling her to leave. She wouldn’t even be hurt in the least. After all, she deserved it after all she had done, didn’t she? She was willing to deal with whatever was coming to her, at least until Bismuth turned the bend that would lead to the Barn. She could just make out the blocky shape of the Barn over the hill. Her heart beat wildly in her thin chest. 

“Are, are you sure she’s okay with me coming back? I’m sure I can find somewhere else to go--”

“I’m sure it’s all going to be just fine. It’s not like you up and moved the entire barn and left her homeless and without her stuff-- I’m pretty sure she’d die without that computer of hers.”

“Yeah, but--”

“Lapis, you made a mistake. And you know what? Things like that happen. Don’t dwell on it too much, ‘cause those feelings will find a way to linger for the rest of your life. If you feel you’ve gotta, apologize to her. But most of all, forgive yourself. A whole lotta people care about you, Lapis. We all were worried sick. We all did our share-- visiting or hunting the streets for her. You’re in good hands.”

Lapis blew out her breath. Her lips twitched into a faint smile. 

“I guess I’m not alone, huh?”

“Yeah, kiddo, you’re not.”

Bismuth eased the truck onto the gravel outside of the barn. Lapis’ nerves tingled. Her heart hammered a staccato beat behind her rib cage as the front door swung open. She could only stare when she realized it was Steven who opened the door. 

She forced herself not to sigh. Bismuth gathered her phone and keys, humming softly. The truck’s door opened and shut. Lapis’ eyes glazed over a little. 

Steven tapped on the window, a wide smile lighting up his face. Admittedly, it hurt to not see Peridot waiting for her. The truck door swung open. She finally unhooked her seatbelt.

“Hey! Welcome back, Lapis! You doing okay?”

“A little tired.” She paused when she realized just how blunt she had been. 

“Um, thank you, it’s good to be back. How are you?”

“Even better now that you’re here.”

A weak smile curled her lips. She let Steven help her out of the truck. He squeezed her in a tight hug. 

“I missed you too.”

Lapis turned back to the truck to grab her bag of things from the hospital, but Steven stopped her with a gentle hand placed on her forearm. 

“Don’t worry about that just yet, I’ve got something to show you.”

“I probably should--”

He had that stupid, beguiling look on his face. That little pouty look that made his brown eyes look puppy dog huge. His lower lip trembled a little. He really shouldn’t have been able to pull the look off, but he did. And she always fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.

“I hate it when you do that. You know I can’t resist that face.”

It was only when she turned to the truck to close the door that Lapis realized that Bismuth had wandered off. She didn’t question it. Steven grabbed her hand and started leading her around the side of the barn to the back yard. There really wasn’t much of a yard, but there was just enough space between the barn and the cliff. Enough space to--

“Surprise!”

Lapis froze as she cleared the corner. There were picnic tables spread about the limited backyard space. A banner hung from an arch that looked handmade. It read ‘Welcome Home, Lapis’. 

Her face flushed. Tears welled in the corners of her eyes when she spotted all the familiar faces. Bismuth rejoined them, clapping her on the back, huge grin lighting up her face. Dead center in the group of well-wishers was Peridot. And she wore a grin.

\--

Peridot paced the backyard. She ran her hand through her hair for the fifth time in just ten minutes. She muttered to herself. She knew that Pearl was watching her and for that matter, Garnet too.   
Connie and Pearl finished setting up the last of the table decorations. Garnet had hung the lights and the banner. Visually, it was perfect. The group wasn’t exactly huge, but it was sizable enough. Steven had done most of the organizing and was currently waiting inside the Barn for the first signs of Bismuth’s truck on the hill. 

Peridot kicked up dirt as she turned a tight corner. Amethyst seized her by the shoulders and forced her to sit on one of the picnic benches.

“Easy there, P, you’re gonna wear a trench in the ground.”

“She’ll be exactly on time and she’ll love it.” Garnet adjusted her sunglasses. She wore a small, knowing smile. 

Greg poked at the grill, adjusting the gas flow. Pearl looked up from the table display she was readjusting -- again. 

“Garnet’s right.”

Peridot groaned softly. She fidgeted on the bench, her knee bobbing up and down with pent up energy. Amethyst patted her shoulder. Peridot shoved her away when she joked about smoking a joint. Color rose to her cheeks. 

Static crackled across the walkie-talkie on the table. 

“Target has been sighted!”

Pearl snatched up the walkie, pressing down the talk button before anyone could respond.

“Steven, use proper radio protocol! Over!” 

“Finneeeee. She’s here, over!”

“Thank you, over.” 

Amethyst snorted. Connie covered her mouth with her hand to hide her giggles. Even Garnet wore a wry smile. 

Peridot’s heart skipped. She should have been feeling pangs of guilt, maybe a little remorse. Instead, all she could feel was excitement. She was just so excited to see that Lapis had finally come home and that all was well in their little world. 

\--

Every time Lapis went to talk to Peridot, someone new guided her away. She made her rounds, being drug along by Pearl as she detailed what everyone did while searching for Jasper or making her hospital stay better. Perhaps part of it was a blessing, because it meant that Pearl actually accepted her into the group. 

Greg loaded up a plate full of food for her. He insisted that she go and eat right away. She tried to protest, but the growling of her stomach told her otherwise. And it continued like that for the rest of the evening. It always seemed like every time she and Peridot were ready to talk someone else would pull them aside or decided it was time to chat. 

Lapis was exceedingly thankful when Pearl started packing things up. She went to help load up the van, but got told to go and rest and hang out. Steven winked at her when he passed, carrying two collapsible picnic tables under his arms. 

When she returned to the backyard, she found Peridot. Peridot was staring out at the sea beyond the cliff’s edge. Her shoulders seemed a tiny bit tense. 

Evening was just starting to color the sky deep blue. Summer was nearly at an end. Fireflies danced on the sea breeze. Music played softly on the boombox Amethyst had brought. 

“Hey.”

Peridot turned. Her eyes were wide at first, but then they relaxed. She smiled shyly. Lapis had to remember how to breathe. 

“Hey yourself.”

Peridot stepped away from the cliff’s edge, joining her in the center of the backyard. Only the arch, lights, and stereo remained. The lights twinkled, mimicking the fireflies. 

“And for our next song of the evening is another-- ergh-- classic Mr. Universe piece, ‘What Can I Do For You?’.” 

The guitar started up. Lapis’s heart thudded in her chest. She let out a shaky breath before extending her hand. She had never been that nervous around a girl before.

“Wanna dance?”

“Sure.”

Peridot’s hand was small and warm in hers. Lapis shook as she took the first step. She was a little surprised when she discovered how well Peridot fit in her arms. She caught a whiff of clean shampoo and soap.

“I--I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For the mess I made of everyth--”

“I’m not upset, I’m not mad. I’m… I’m just really happy you’re back.”

“You-- you are?”

Their foreheads touched. She felt her tension melt away as they swayed. Peridot wasn’t a good dancer, but she tried. 

“Yeah.” 

Lapis shut her eyes and leaned down. She felt Peridot tilt her head up, toward her lips. 

It felt like the world stopped. Her breath hitched, stolen by that one perfect moment. Her racing heartbeat drowned out any and all other sounds. 

\--

She had been waiting all night for a chance to talk to Lapis. She watched the rest of the party goers gather their things. They streamed from the backyard like ants leaving a picnic. Her heart fluttered. She was nervous.

Peridot wrung her hands as she stared out at the sea far below her. She had a whole speech put together in her head. A whole confession planned. She had to admit, at least the spot where she planned to confess was beautiful. 

She had done her best to dress nicely too. A button up shirt felt weird in the summer heat. Her hair had been nicely done too-- until she kept running her hands through it when she was nervous. She moved to wipe her glasses on her shirttail only to find they weren’t on her face. She had forgotten that she had put on glasses. 

_Oh my stars. Ohmystarsohmystars-- what if she’s mad? What if she says she doesn’t wanna stay? Agghhhh!_

Her internal screamed came to a halt when she heard Lapis’ voice.

“Hey.”

She forgot all about her nerves, her entire confession speech. All because when she turned she saw Lapis framed by twinkling lights. Twilight played on her dyed blue hair. She smiled. Peridot’s heart ached. 

“Hey yourself.” It wasn’t nearly as suave as she hoped. 

But it would have to do when the butterflies were swarming in her stomach. The music on the radio changed; perfect music for a slow dance. She was about to offer Lapis a dance when instead she was asked. 

She took Lapis’ hand. For a long moment, neither moved and then they closed the gap between them. Peridot tried to let her hand rest on Lapis’ collarbone, but it was moved to her waist. She had forgotten everything she was going to say to Lapis. In that instant, it didn’t matter. Nothing really mattered. It was just them, the sea, and the radio. 

Lapis apologized. It stung a little like a bee sting, but they danced on. Peridot forgave her-- even though she didn’t feel the apology was necessary. In the end, everything was better. They had another chance. 

She caught Lapis’ eye. Her heart fluttered. She held her breath. Lapis’ lips were soft. She smiled into the kiss. It was everything she could have wanted and then some. She ignored Amethyst’s startled gasp and catcalls. It was the perfect moment.

\--

_I’ve been waiting_   
_Searching for a time_   
_Holding out until_   
_I could finally call you mine_

_I never knew I was patient_   
_Never knew waiting was worth it_   
_And then I found you_

\--

Lapis had never expected her life to fall back into place so nicely. Jasper was in jail, as was Malachite. She had a home. She was going back to beauty school. She was happy for what had to be the first time in years. The best bonus of all was coming back home to her girlfriend at the end of the day. 

Life was good. 

 

It wasn’t exactly what she had expected, but Peridot was more than happy with how things turned out. Perhaps it was better than she could have imagined. The best part was that they didn’t even have to run away from it all. Everything had fallen into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I left out any and all of the hospital scenes in order to keep myself from ruining what I pictured as the best ending. Because I feel like with the way I wrote Peri she'd go and blurt her feelings and ruin the whole ending.


End file.
